Reflections In A Mirror Dimly

Reflections for 3/12/12

2012-03-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days were you just don't know what's coming. Felt flat at first. A good Caramel Machiatta with a friend help kick some things loose. I waited for someone to later go home and see the email that they weren't coming. Probably just as well, might have ruined my good mood from the Machiatto.

Then this afternoon I went out to do what I often do in the afternoons visit a shut in. Upon arriving at the house the neighbor was leaving and as we said hello the neighbor decided they needed to share that they had no time for religion. God had taken her husband and two sons. And then out the door she went.

At first I wanted to say "on behalf of the whole church in paradise and on earth, I apologize." I don't know why I thought that. It isn't my place or my job to apologize on behalf of God. I know that person felt pain and betrayal and because I'm wearing a collar I'm the easiest person to take that out on. Honestly its not the worse thing that's ever been said to me because of what I represent, but it still takes me aback.

I doubt any of us fully realize what we may represent to others, both positively and negatively. It sucks to be lumped into a generalized negative, especially when the other party doesn't seem interested in learning what you might believe or hearing what you might have to say.

There is also the truth that we can't shy away from whom we are. It's one thing to say I might be "X" but I'm not like those other "Xs", but ultimately you better be ready to say what being who you are really means.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 3/11/12

2012-03-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

There is an old time hymn entitled I need thee every hour. It came to a friends mind this morning as he marked our lamented, (I'm not sure which) the return of Daylight Savings Time. I will admit that I could have used that extra hour, I'm still tired and not sure I ever fully woke up this morning. This is not good when you need to be leading worship.

I know like everyone else I'll adjust and it will be fine when the sun is up for a long time. And when the outdoor activities commence. But for today I'm just tired.

Time is a funny thing, it is one of those parts of life to which we are given only so much and continually wish we had more. I was thinking about reflecting on this eleven days ago, when February gave us an extra day. On that day I wondered if anyone ever thought about taking advantage of it and playing catch up. Probably not. I know for me it was just another day. Hopefully something got accomplished outside of the usual, but I don't recall anything outstanding.

And then there is today. The day where the government takes an hour from us, and gives it back 8 months later. I've read the history and I suppose there are good reasons for it. I do know this, I am sure it was intentionally put on a Saturday so as not to make people late for work, church maybe but work never.

What would you do with that extra hour if you could claim it anytime in the next eight months? If you new that every four years you would get an extra day that you didn't have to worry about what day it fell on. It was yours as a free gift?

My guess is most of us think we know what we would do with more time, we always hope for it. Yet I think we also fear having more time, because we actually might not know what to do.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 3/10/12

2012-03-10T16:32:00.000-08:00

So where have I been, what have been up to? Have I had nothing to reflect on? Hardly. I think like many things in life we sometimes need to put things down for a little while and come back to them.

I will say that I was in California earlier in the week. I went to a conference called Gathering of Leaders. It is a collegial group with other Episcopal clergy. This is the third "Gathering" that I've been to. I will admit that each time I go, I'm impressed by the creativity and energy that I witness in my peers. It gives me hope for the church and for the world. I also will admit that I come away sometimes scared. Scared that I don't measure up to these folks, or even worse that I could.

I think one of the things I realized about myself at this conference was that the thing I fear the most is myself. I don't know why I scare me. I'm not violent, I'm not crazy. But something keeps me from really, as the Army puts it, "being all I can be." Perhaps I fear success. I know I fear rejection. There are times when I can be a big brave dog, and other times I need to be reminded of Christopher Robinson's advice to Pooh Bear "you are braver than you believe, and smarter than you think."

I don't know why I can't get out of my own way, but I know that if I could see myself as others apparently do, to quote Dr. Seuss, "oh the place I could go."

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 3/10/12

2012-03-10T16:27:00.000-08:00

So where have I been, what have been up to? Have I had nothing to reflect on? Hardly. I think like many things in life we sometimes need to put things down for a little while and come back to them.

I will say that I was in California earlier in the week. I went to a conference called Gathering of Leaders. It is a collegial group with other Episcopal clergy. This is the third "Gathering" that I've been to. I will admit that each time I go, I'm impressed by the creativity and energy that I witness in my peers. It gives me hope for the church and for the world. I also will admit that I come away sometimes scared. Scared that I don't measure up to these folks, or even worse that I could.

I think one of the things I realized about myself at this conference was that the thing I fear the most is myself. I don't know why I scare me. I'm not violent, I'm not crazy. But something keeps me from really, as the Army puts it, "being all I can be." Perhaps I fear success. I know I fear rejection. There are times when I can be a big brave dog, and other times I need to be reminded of Christopher Robinson's advice to Pooh Bear " you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

I really do wish that I could get out of my own way. I also wish I could see myself as apparently others do.

Reflections for 2/14/12

2012-02-14T10:28:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day. A day I've literally had a love hate relationship with for years. My earliest recollections of this day are from elementary school, which was probably where the hate part of my feelings towards this holiday arise.

Like many I had to cut out valentines and bring them in for everyone. We would pass them out and receive them too. Whether what I'm about to say actually occurred or not I can't prove 40 years later, but the feeling has never gone away. Since I did not feel very popular or that most of my classmates liked me, let alone loved me, I felt like Charlie Brown.

I also will admit that my hate relationship with this holiday is that it feels like a marketing ploy, and puts a price on love. Though I do play along because I have a special person in my life, and that is what makes me love the holiday.

I also know that while I am blessed with having a special person in my life and have had 23 Valentine's Days with her. It is not true for everyone. And what sort of kick in gut watching this might be for those without someone to love or be loved by.

So I turn to one way that even I might consider entering even more fully into this day of celebrating love and look at St. Paul's definition and see how I'm doing in being "love."

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Maybe towards my wife and in fact towards most people I come in contact with, this may mean more than any candy, special dinner or flowers.

Reflections for 1/26/12

2012-01-26T11:29:00.000-08:00

"When we move beyond the safety of everyone else's approval and stand firmly upon our own, we assume responsibility for own own apostolate."(Speaking to the Soul Vicki K. Black p. 21)

I am certain that one of my flaws is that I am a people pleaser. An apple polisher as a youth. While I have tried to become firmer in my resolve to do what I believe to be right, I often fall prey to the fear that someone might get upset. And of course the reality is that no matter what we do, someone is going to be upset.

When we are able to stand on our own, without seeking the approval of others, we may in fact find that the very thing we actually receive, because we didn't make that the end, is in fact approval. When folks can look at us as someone who is consistent in where they stand, and yet not in a way that makes them rigid and heartless, we move closer to being the real person that we are called to be.

As a Christian I am called to the service of others, but not so that they'll applaud me.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 1/24/12

2012-01-24T13:59:00.000-08:00

One of the hazards of being a clergy person is that you might get called on the spot to say a prayer, offer a blessing, invocation etc. I know it is in the job description and I really don't have a problem with it and generally have not been taken to task for any prayers I've ever offered.

It has happened to me twice where someone has taken umbrage with how I prayed. The first time came when I was accosted after offering an opening prayer at the beginning of town soccer season. A fellow Christian decided that since I didn't pray in Jesus' name I was clearly ashamed of him and I should never be ashamed of our Lord. Of course I'm not ashamed, and tried to point out that we should be thankful I was asked to pray at all in this day and age.

But I heard some of what she said and tried to adapt by ending my more public with prayers with "in Jesus name I pray." And that seemed fine until last night. This time I was asked on the spot not given any advance notice. The usual "chaplain" had not shown up to the meeting, would I mind? Sure why not. After offering the invocation and the benediction at the end, up came the parliamentarian to tell me I had violated the rules and that I was only allowed to offer non-sectarian prayers.

I replied that I didn't feel I could do that, and in the future I would just decline the invitation. It did however get me thinking, what in the world makes something a non-sectarian prayer? I sort of know the answer you don't invoke specific deities. But I do wonder if I'm there in clericals how am I not clearly a sectarian. Would a doctor be asked to not use medical terminology, or a lawyer legal terms when speaking? Probably not. I also wondered if it was only Christians that aren't allowed to pray in their tradition these days. I honestly haven't seen a rabbi or imman or other faith leader ever asked so I don't know if they take the sect out of their prayers. And this doesn't even begin to address how an atheist might receive any kind of prayer.

I know this actually isn't a huge issue. No hungry people will be fed, or oppressed people set free over it. But for the moment it was a total distraction.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 1/21/12

2012-01-21T08:54:00.000-08:00

"In the west Christians tended to meet their ancestors through the worship space, liturgy, and calendar of the church."(Speaking to the Soul Vicki K. Black, p.17)

All of our lives have history. We have our own personal story and we have those of our ancestors. We also have "heroes" within our lives. They can be religious, sports, vocational and familial.

There are also places we go to that give significance to who we are and whence we come. For me I have specific places that have deep meaning for me. They have memories, and associations that still feed my soul. Haddonfield and Ocean City New Jersey are two places. Copake Falls NY is becoming such a place. I rediscovered how important Grinnell Iowa is to me.

I certainly feel a deep connection to my faith past anytime I'm in church. I'm not wedded to any specific building or building type, but there is definitely a liturgical practice and hymnody that speaks to me.

What are the places in your life that are important to you? What are the "liturgies" of your life, whether church or not, that connect you to something beyond yourself?

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 1/12/12

2012-01-12T17:59:00.000-08:00

"There are four qualities which characterize a friend: loyalty, right intention, discretion, and patience." Aelred of Rievaulx

Today at our service we commemorated Aelred a 12th century monk. You probably don't know much about him unless you're a real church junky. All of the readings for his day revolved around friendship.

I certainly have friends. On Facebook I have well over 500. Some of these are people I see regularly. Some are of course relatives and others people from various chapters of my life. Only a few are people I have never met outside of that medium.

If I were to apply Aelred's qualities of friendship, I know that my best friend Gail meets all four. I have two others people that I feel meet those four for sure.

I do try to relate to all people, no matter who they are and what are relationship is, in a similar fashion. If you count me as a friend you probably have my loyalty unless you really burn me. I try to interact with right intention and certainly to use discretion and be patient with most.

Who are your friends? What are the characteristics that are important to you in determining who your friends are? Are they as old as Aelred's, or do we have different litmus tests these days?

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 1/8/12

2012-01-08T19:03:00.000-08:00

"You are my beloved son, in you I am well pleased."

These are the words that we are told in the Gospel's that were said to, or about Jesus at his baptism. Powerful words actually. From that moment on Jesus went off into the world teaching, healing, forgiving and acting as compassionately to a hurting world as he had the power to do. All of it though starting with a word of encouragement, an empowering sentence if you will. An affirmation of faith in, before anything had actually been done. I know that I do much better when I hear positive things about me. I can even name people who have said close to such things that have helped me to achieve what I'm capable of, even when I didn't believe it to be possible.

As I checked into the social media sites today, I was amazed at all the proclamations about how much God loves Tim Tebow. After all God really must love him to let him win a football game. Because by all accounts he's not a very good passer. His team was .500. The odds were not really in his favor and yet his team came out victorious in the end. They didn't destroy the Steelers mind you, but a win is a win.

I do believe Tim Tebow is a beloved child of God, I do not believe that God rewarded that status with a win for the Broncos. The Steelers have their share of Evangelical Christians too. What is intriguing to me about Tim Tebow is not that he is so much more blessed than me or anyone else. But how he seems to have translated that beloved child of God status and used it to bring something much deeper to the surface and intangible that goes beyond any actual talent he has. Lord knows he's a better football player than I am, I know that God loves me just as much.

I also if some people realize that they are actually making fun of Tim's beliefs with statements about God loving him more. Tim being a person of faith will give credit to God for giving him more talent than most of us have at playing football. And for giving him the one thing he and certainly share a belief that we've been given what we need to succeed and be happy with what we are able to do.

Congratulations Broncos and all the other teams that won. Now if we could get as excited about ending hunger, poverty, hatred and war because those are things God actually cares about.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 1/3/12

2012-01-04T04:11:00.000-08:00

Today is the Iowa Caucus. The first round of attempting to figure out who a political party's presidential candidate will be. This year happens to be only about Republicans as the Democrats have a seated president.

You may wonder why a Democrat from New Jersey is reflecting on Iowa Caucuses? It isn't so much that I care about the results, frankly I don't. What it did was take me back 25 years to when I actually did participate in the Caucus. As a "resident" in Iowa, I was going to college there, I went to the Caucus to see what it was all about. I don't know if my presence made a difference. If I recall the person who invited me was supporting Bruce Babbitt.

It was interesting however to see how this very different way of choosing worked. I don't know if it would work in a densely populated state such as New Jersey, but the concept of neighbors talking with each other about why they liked a particular candidate is intriguing. I don't recall too much name calling in the caucus sight. You might actually have had to come with some supporting reason for your choice without engaging in character assassination.

And maybe that's why I found it interesting. It revealed that it can be possible for people with different opinions to be in the same room and still remain cordial. A good model not only for politics but for life in general.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 1/2/12

2012-01-02T18:38:00.000-08:00

Today was the last day of Christmas break. I wish I could say it was a day filled with relaxing fun, but that was not to be the case. Part of what I'm feeling is still just tired. Granted I didn't help myself much on New Year's Eve by staying up until 1:30 am New Years Day, not partying but just playing Angry Birds. I should have been asleep as soon the ball dropped. But I made a different choice, knowing full well that the alarm would be going off at 6 am, since the next day was Sunday and that is a work day for me.

So here it is Monday. I slept later than normal 9:15, and then it was time to get people to practice. Go to the gym. The day was so far not terribly off. It wasn't until after lunch that the wheels came off. Part of the problem is just being a parent of teenagers. The type that always know better than you, whose negotiation skills are superior to yours and when things go oops, your day gets worse.

I don't know why I care about this but I do. It is the single most frustrating part of being a parent that I know of, days like these. Granted it isn't every day, but when it happens it just puts me in a really foul mood.

Much like yesterday being the start of a new year, I need to remember that tomorrow is another day. Perhaps it will be better, perhaps not. Only tomorrow will tell.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 1/1/12

2012-01-01T18:31:00.000-08:00

Part of my New Year's promise to myself was to get back on track with this blog. Honestly I'd run out of steam. It wasn't a matter of not having enough time. I had time just found other things to occupy myself with. But I realized that I was missing out on something more creative. And while I still like to do what had taken the time away from this writing, I felt it was time to get back to it. Because part of this for me is prayer time, part of it feeds a need to be thinking. So for those who've missed it, let's see how long I can keep it up. For you the reader certainly but for myself as well.

Today was the Feast of the Holy Name. Frankly it interrupted Christmas for me. I didn't preach today, but I did think about names and the power of naming.

First there's my name. While my friends call me Ed, that is of course short for something. And for those who know me, it is short not for Edward or Edwin, the more common ones, but Edmund a not so common one.
It's an old English name meaning "prosperous protector." I don't know if it fits me or not. My parents weren't trying to predict my future. I'm named after my dad, who was named after his dad. I stopped the it by naming my first born something different.

Will say that calling me Ed is what those that are close to me do. The only people that call me Edmund are telemarketers these days.

Aside from our given names, there is also the power of naming something. If you've created anything you get to name it. A great part of creative discovery no doubt.

There is also naming something, or calling it out. By naming something in that way, we get to free ourselves from whatever it is we've named. Or embrace it as important to who we are. I think this is also the hardest to do. When I can name a problem or problematic behavior I release myself from its grip. Or at least begin the process, by deflating its power over me. A bold step in turning one's life around.

So what does all of this mean for any of us. We are who we are named. Those people who created us, namely our parents may or may not have put much thought into it. What does your name mean? Does it say something about you, or just honors some member of your family.

Are there things in your life that as 2012 breaks upon us, that need to be named. Called out and either banished or nourished. An interesting journey no doubt.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 12/14/11

2011-12-14T13:41:00.000-08:00

"I am my secrets. And you are your secrets. Our secrets are human secrets, and our trusting each other enough to share them with each other has much to do with the secret of what it is to be human."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 324)

What does that mean that I am my secrets? My best guess is that the real us, is not usually what we actually present to the general public. Perhaps to our closest friends we may confide these things, and to those in our family that we love dearly. I know that I sometimes surprise people who don't know everything about me. In some ways I'm a stereotypical priest, but there are aspects of me that do not fit neatly into the stereotype.

Why I think that our secrets and choosing to share them with others is ultimately about trust. Trust is something I would rather give and certainly feel honored when people trust me that way. Their is a sharing and a deeper relationship that way.

I also know that this is true about my relationship with God. There is in the Book of Common Prayer what is known as the collect for purity. In that prayer it is said that to God all hearts are open, all desires known and no secrets are hid. I'm sure there is nothing about me that God doesn't know. I'm sure there are things about me I wish God didn't know, but feel blessed that God has a sense of humor.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 12/7/11

2011-12-07T13:08:00.000-08:00

"My mother excoriated the ravages of old age but never accepted them as the inevitable consequence of getting old."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.319)

While I haven't been around as long as Buechner's mother (apparently she pushed 100) I do know that there have been changes in me physically and emotionally that have much to do with age.

I'll be 46 next week, not old by any stretch, but older none the less. I know that what my body looked like 25 years ago it no longer does. Part of that is age and part of that is neglect. I'm trying to see how much of it I can reasonably bring back, yet know that I will never be that lean mean rock and roll machine again.

I still like loud music, but I find my patience with the crowds it attracts diminishing.

I'm sure that in the remaining years of my life I will probably continue to lose some abilities and some things that I currently enjoy. The question I have to wrestle with each day is how do I adapt to these changes, gracefully, or in some bizarre holding on.

I hope to live a long life. But more importantly to me, I hope to live a full one.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 12/6/11

2011-12-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

"And because words are so much a part of what we keep the past alive by."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 319)

I have a pretty good memory. Probably most people that I know I can recall something about, some shared experience. I like to tell stories and certainly as a person of faith, words are an integral part of my life.

I wonder though if not talking about someone or something makes it go away? Part of that feels like denial, in the case of something or some event. Part of it is also just a fading do to time. While I can claim to remember something about many people, that does not necessarily mean I can recall every person I've ever met, without someone naming them.

When we speak of or about people, places and things they remain alive if only in our memories. When we stop talking about them, they may fade away, but I'm not convinced they completely go.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 11/28/11

2011-11-28T18:35:00.000-08:00

"Whatever else they may be, the people in the Bible are real human beings."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 309)

If you were to go into a library I wonder where you would find the Bible? At Barnes and Noble its in the "religion section" but most small town libraries aren't that elaborate. The standard fiction or non-fiction seems to be the norm.

I don't know that I could classify the Bible as either. At a certain level its fiction. There are stories within that have some historical validity but have been written with a certain slant. Much like, "historical fiction" there is a deeper truth being told using some historical realities. But to call it fiction is to rob it of its overall effectiveness for me.

At a certain level its non-fiction, there are historical figures that appear in other sources. But I can't spend too much time validating every name and event, because to me that misses the point also.

What I know is that as I read the Bible, I find the truly important parts to be very real for me. They speak to my life as I lived it. Not so much in terms of the rules of a nomadic culture, but in the realities of what being a human meant and continues to mean. There's a Jacob in all of us. There is a Mary in all of us.

I know that what I've said can probably hold true for any good novel. But for me the Bible has something that differentiates it. And maybe it is that each time I read it, something new comes into view for me. Not because the words have changed, but because I have. And no other book that I've read more than once does that for me.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 11/23/11

2011-11-23T17:29:00.000-08:00

"For a moment what he believes or doesn't believe Kyrie eleison, Christe eleison- and as at snow, dreams, certain memories, at fairy tales, the heart leaps, the eyes fill."(F. Buechener "Listening to Your Life" p.307)

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'd put it up there with Christmas for sure as a holiday laced with memories. I'd have to say mostly positive. Growing up we seem to rotate around my father's family, each brother taking a turn to host. Always food, lots of food.

In High School there was always the annual football game Metuchen vs. Highland Park. I don't know if they still play, but I recall going to that game every year, as a member of the band, football games weren't an option. I also remember coming home from college and going to the game, seemed like one big reunion.

This year we're staying put, not going anywhere and no one coming. I'm a little sad about that, but schedules and lives change.

I also remember taking my boys to see the Macy's thanksgiving day parade, a benefit of in-laws living in Manhatten.

I know that underlying those memories are glimpses of joy and reminders of the things that I'm thankful for. I've seen other things that stir memories songs, pictures, even reacquainting on Facebook.

May this holiday be one with glimpses of joy.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 11/20/11

2011-11-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

"For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each other's presence."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 305)

Last night at the Youth Retreat for the Diocese, we were invited to walk the labyrinth. There was meditative music playing, candle light bordering the labyrinth and we were invited to walk and when we reached the center to right down on a piece of paper something we needed to forgive or something we needed to be forgiven for.

I was amazed by the level of emotion in the room. I have no idea what anyone but myself wrote on their papers. At the end of that exercise we went back to the dormitory where a fire was lit and I, in my role as chaplain, invited folks to bring their paper up to the fireplace and saying "for what is on this paper and what still remains in my heart I offer up to you, Lord God, and then throw the paper onto the fire.

When I saw that forgiveness was the topic from Buechner, I tried to remember if there were still people I needed to forgive. I honestly can think of only one person in my life who hurt me so deeply that the memory of it still has a tinge of pain. I will say that it no longer dominates my thoughts and that may be because subconsciously I forgave that person years ago.

I certainly have never told that person this news and it may not even be something they really need to know. The likelihood that they feel stuck knowing that I was hurt by them is remote. I seriously doubt our paths will ever cross again, though it is possible.

But if those stars should in some way should align, I hope I will have the courage to tell that person, I forgive you.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 11/16/11

2011-11-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

"That means the Bible is a book about you and me."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 303)

The Bible is certainly one of the most beloved and even at times controversial books out there. It is the central document if you will of the Christian faith. 2/3 of it is central to the Jewish faith. There are people who read it religiously (pun intended) and those who read it without any faith at all.

We read various translations. We argue about the meanings of texts. And there are times when the texts let us have it.

Vocationally I get to read the Bible on a regular basis. But in those times when I'm not reading it for work, I will admit that I try to find my part in that book. What are the biblical stories that reflect very well what it is to be me. The context may change, we're not ancient middle eastern goat herders after all, yet what it means to be a human, with all its joys and sorrows, the inner conflicts of trying to live right and yet falling short, are all there.

And depending on what's going on in my life who I relate to more in any given biblical story changes. And that's not a bad thing.

I suppose as a reasonably avid reader I have found myself projecting into many books. But I have consistently found that with "the Book" I find something new each time, even when I've read those words before. Because I change and evolve the meaning of the text changes, because much like me, that book feels very much alive.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 11/13/11

2011-11-13T18:32:00.000-08:00

"It is curious that in the matter of deciding his own fate, Jesus reached the same conclusion as Caiaphas and took it in the neck for the sake of many, Caiaphas included. It was not, however, the laws of mathemeatics that he was following."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 301)

I've never been very good at math. My hunch is has more to do with a lack of wanting to know, more than ability. I certainly know the basics. I'll admit to being confused by the way math was taught to my children. I really couldn't help them, because I learned those formulas differently.

Much in life seems to be simple math. Economics, our bank accounts, family budgets. How much time something will take. Without numbers and an ability to count most of us would be lost.

However there is much in life that just doesn't add up. There are also times when we must move forward even when the numbers aren't on our side. Perhaps that is what Buechner meant by Jesus not following the laws of mathematics when he chose to die.

I wish more of life was as simple as 1+1= 2. Yet that never seems to be the case. The fact of that equation hasn't changed, but its application to my experience in life is something different.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 11/9/11

2011-11-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

"The truth that although death ended my father, it has never ended my relationship with my father-a secret that I had never so clearly understood before."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 298)

On Sunday we observed the Feast of All Saints. The actual Feast day is 11/1 but most of us realize that we won't get folks out on a weeknight so we move it to the next Sunday.

In my homily I asked people to consider who was a person in their life who while not famous in the world had made an incredible impact on their lives. And invited them to consider these folks as saints also.

I know that I don't see my grandfather anymore he died almost ten years ago, and yet his relationship to me and his influence on many things that I do or believe is just as alive today as they were when he was alive here on earth.

And I know that this is probably true for most folks, that our relationships with others are always there even if communication of any kind may not be real anymore.

There are of course also folks who leave negative impacts on us and even there death doesn't totally bring closure. I wouldn't call these folks saints by the way.

The truth is that every relationship or encounter leaves some imprint on us. Some are clearly deeper than others. And as long as we live in this world and relate to other people we will continue to grow from these relationships.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 11/3/11

2011-11-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

"There are three things that are important in human life. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. The third is to be kind."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 293)

This thought is actually a quote from Henry James. Buechner doesn't say where he got it from. I suppose the point is obvious, the only thing that really matters in life is to be kind.

Some things I know about being kind. It is the sixth point of the Scout Law. As an Eagle Scout I've tried to live my life according to that law to the best of my abilities. Good thing all of it is in line with the the aspects of my faith that I value most.

I also know this that when I am kind to others, I generally feel better about myself. Being kind can be quite overt, doing something positive for another person without any need to be thanked. Helping others when asked. I also know that sometimes being kind can also be by doing nothing at all. Instead of that snide comment, or that harsh counterpoint I just swallow and breath and move on.

I also know how much I appreciate when others are kind to me. I'm not the best at asking for help. And I know that I have probably been spared from being called an idiot by someone, even when it was deserved.

There's a bumper sticker that a part of reads, "practice random acts of kindness." How much better would all of us be whether in the giving or receiving of such acts. And how if we are the beneficiaries of someone else's kindness, somehow we should take advantage of a chance to do likewise.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 10/27/11

2011-10-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

"In popular usage, a myth has come to mean a story that is not true. Historically speaking that may well be so. Humanly speaking, a myth is a story that is always true."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 286)

When I was in elementary school I loved to read Greek and Roman Mythology. I had no intention of switching my allegiance to the Christian faith in favor of that religion, and still wouldn't. But I do like stories that give real insight into what it means to be human. That show how as people we have always tried to make sense out of our world.

I am dismayed that myth has come to mean not true, (though I do like the show Mythbusters). Without some degree of myth, storytelling life becomes very cold, very cerebral for me. I have told people flat out that I consider the creation stories to be myths. What I do not mean is that the story is not true. I don't believe that the world was created in 7 days as I would understand 7 days. I do believe fully in the underlying truth that there is a God, who creates and sees things as good to very good.

When we place myth in the negative or insist on an unprovable literalism, we take the power away from the story and go on the defensive against science. Silly fight in my estimation.

I'll continue to read the Bible for the very reasons that I have always read it. I love the story. I understand the world and my place in it a little more deeply as a result. And from my limited human perspective those stories will always be true, because something doesn't have to be provable to be true for me.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 10/26/11

2011-10-26T07:40:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes wishing is the wings the truth comes true on. Sometimes the truth is what sets us wishing for it."(f. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.286)

Wishing, according to Jimminy Cricket your supposed to do it on a star. "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, give me the wish I wish tonight." When it is your birthday you're supposed to make a wish and blow out the candles. I think for most of us, those kind of wishes are not anything we believe will actually occur.

One of the hurdles to wish fulfillment is that often we may have to do something beyond wishing for it. I might wish to win the lottery, however if I never buy a ticket, I will certainly guarantee that I won't win. I also know the odds aren't real good that even if I did buy a ticket that I would win. I might wish that I could lose weight, but unless I'm willing to make the necessary changes in my eating habits in addition to exercising, that too will be an unfulfilled wish.

However as Buechner wrote, sometimes wishing for something to happen is the means to opening the door or beginning the process of change. Once I can see the possibilities I might start to wish for them in reality and seek the way to make it happen.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 10/20/11

2011-10-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

"It was a long while ago that the words God be with you disappeared into the word goodbye, but every now and again some trace of them still glimmers through."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 280)

Somewhere I remember being told never to say good bye, but instead until we meet again. Good bye somehow seems to indicate, I'll never see you again, which isn't necessarily true, but might in fact be the case.

How we say good bye, the tone of voice, the feelings behind it can often have a lasting effect.

If you slammed the phone down after saying good bye because you were frustrated with the person at the other end, that feeling takes a while to go away. And if it was someone you cared about, instead of some nameless person who didn't help solve your issue, and you don't see them again, not so good either.

When I say good bye to a family member on the phone I always try to say I love you. I'd rather not risk that the last words someone I loved heard from me were anything else.

And while I've never been to Hawaii, but I've heard that the word aloha is used to say hello and goodbye.

And I think there is something to all of this. How we meet people and how we take leave of people says volumes about us. I try to keep mine as positive as possible.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 10/17/2011

2011-10-18T05:06:00.000-07:00

"Sleep is a threshold I drift toward like leaves."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.277)
-
I slept pretty well last night. My dreams were as strange as always, but I felt rested when I woke up. I didn't have an alarm or cats to wake me. The bed at the hotel was comfortable and the room quiet. While I certainly missed my wife, I do know that while she sleeps better when I'm home, I tend to sleep better the few times I'm by myself.

Sleep is something all of us need. Our bodies learn to adjust to how much we give them in comparison with how much they need. I seem to need generally 6 hours and when that is not enough naps come on.

Buechner's image of drifting toward like leaves seems quite accurate for many things in life. In the fall leaves seem to gather and blow around all over the place. There is an aimlessness about it. I don't like to think of my life as aimless but what is going to happen each day and what the future holds for me are not entirely clear.

I'm not an evergreen for sure, but I do believe that much like the oaks, and maples that I find beautiful, new leaves always appear in the Spring.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 10/12/11

2011-10-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

"Rejoice is the last word and can be spoken only after the first word."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 273)

What is there in life that brings you joy? I know what things I enjoy, sports, food, my family are a few. But is enjoying something the same thing as bringing joy into your life? At first I thought no, there must be a difference, but the more I thought about it, I said of course they are at least related if not one and the same.

Rejoicing, giving thanks and appreciating what I have in my life, the people and things in my life that bring me pleasure that make life worth living. I do rejoice for those gifts. Perhaps for me the ability to give thanks, to rejoice in and for the things I enjoy comes from that first word, which interestingly isn't given. I'm guessing that for me the first word is belief. Because of my belief, I find that I have the words to give thanks, the ability to appreciate all that I have, without lamenting what I don't.

I find it funny to encounter folks for whom the belief part works but not the joy part. When I encounter sour puss believers I want to ask, "what gives you joy?" What examples in your life can you share. If living your belief, never brings anything but a pained expression on your face, and only sees what is wrong with the world and others, I would hate for that to be the last word.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 10/11/11

2011-10-11T13:21:00.000-07:00

"Games where the players create the illusion of being in the same room but where the reality of it is that each is alone inside a skin in that room, like bathyspehers at the bottom of the sea. Blind man's buff games where everyone is blind."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 272)

One of the hardest things of being a priest or for that matter being a friend is to be present with someone who is ill, dying or going through a crisis. You're never fully sure what to say. You know you're not comfortable and yet it is the place you somehow have found yourself, or you realize you need to be.

Part of the problem is of course knowing how to deal with crisis, especially other people's. Do I just let them vent, do I try to offer help or helpful advice. I usually start by being quietly present, first to allow the other space to talk about what they need to talk about. Second is to get my self centered to be able to deal constructively with that person.

I think another issue of course is seeing our own vulnerability in that moment. That other person could very well be us at some point. What would we do if the roles were reversed? We don't really want to spend much time contemplating or own mortality or our own fragility.

And the last part is that feeling of being useless right then and there. Because we live in a solutions oriented world and self-help books and groups are everywhere, we have almost forgotten how to just be present with others. If I can't help you, what good am I? If there is nothing I can do, why am I here? Valid questions no doubt, but perhaps not the right ones.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 10/9/11

2011-10-09T04:33:00.000-07:00

"Death not as a distant darkness that his great faith was light enough to see him through; death not as a universal condition; but death as this death and darkness which he saw written across the swollen faces of the two women who stood there before him."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 270)

As a priest I have certainly had my experiences with death and grieving. I've been with families at bedsides as a loved one dies, or as the machinery that is keeping them alive is taken off. I've presided over plenty of funerals where even though the deceased had lived a long and happy life, the grief was still real. The first few years were hard to get through those funerals. I'd still feel tears welling up. This doesn't happen as much anymore, but I also haven't experienced death on a deeply personal level in quite some time.

I'm sure that I will have to deal with it much more deeply again at some point. My hunch is that I will at that point weep, just as Jesus did. I hope that there will be for me at that point, someone or many people there to uphold me, so that I can grieve. While my faith may be my consolation over the long haul, it is others who will weep with me and give me the time and space to do so myself that ultimately will see me through.

All of us will have that moment, and many have already gone through it. And I'm sure that many of those same people have been able to be present for others at that moment, because they have a general understanding of what life feels like at that moment.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 9/28/11

2011-09-28T06:49:00.000-07:00

"What is the truth for the man who believes and cannot believe that there is a truth beyond all truths, to know which is to be himself made whole and true?"(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 260)

Telling the truth is something we parents try to instill in our children, as our parents probably tried in us. Of course the human condition has a hard time with the truth, because we fear the consequences. If I tell the truth, will I get in trouble? If I tell the truth will this relationship suffer? If the truth of who I really am or what I really think comes out, will anyone really like me?

Truth also flows for me in and out of trust. Do I trust the ability of another to forgive? Do I trust the strength of the relationship to endure? Do I trust that who I actually am is worth knowing?

What for me is not completely the same are the words truth and fact. There are things for me that cannot be proven, that may not be a fact, but they don't need to be to ring very true for me. This is the hardest thing for a believer to explain to someone who doesn't believe. It is sometimes the greatest inner struggle for those of us who believe. Pilate asked Jesus, what is truth? He didn't ask what is the truth. And there is a real difference between those two questions.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 9/27/11

2011-09-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

"Like duty,' 'law,', 'religion,' the word 'vocation' has a dull ring to it, but in terms of what it means, it is really not dull at all. 'vocare, to call, of course, and a man's vocation is a man's calling. It is the wok that he is called to in this world, the thing that he is summoned to spend his life doing. We can speak of a man's choosing his vocation, but perhaps it is at least as accurate to speak of a vocation's choosing the man, of a call's being given and a man's hearing it, or not hearing it. And maybe that is the place to start; the business of listening and hearing. A man's life is full of all sorts of voices calling him in all sorts of directions. Some of them are voices from inside and some of them are voices from outside. The more alive and alert we are, the more clamorous our lives are. Which do we listen to? What kind of voice do we listen for." (F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.259)

One of the first arguments I remember having in the ordination process was over the difference between a vocation and a profession. My line of work seems to be both. It is a vocation in that I feel called to it and it is also a profession, I do get paid.

When any individual looks at what they do for a living they might encounter the same question. Is the work that they do just a means to a pay check and they could think of plenty of other things they'd rather be doing or is it something that also gives them meaning and purpose. That is a distinction in my mind.

It could be asked if something you would gladly do something for free is that a definer for vocation or is that something different, maybe that's just a passion, except that parenthood can be seen as a vocation and has no financial rewards.

I do agree that the key to most of what we choose to do with our time does involve listening. And there are certainly plenty of "voices" crying out for our attention. But how to know which voice is calling towards something that is real and which is just a siren song, is the real test. And sometimes even decisions on professions can get muddied.

I know for myself that having a lot of interests does make for quite a symphony in my head. But when I take the time to really listen, to prioritize and ultimately to pray about those voices, the real calling manages to break through.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 9/26/11

2011-09-26T08:41:00.000-07:00

"We try so hard as Christians. We think such long thoughts, manipulate such long words, and both listen to and preach such long sermons. Each one of us somewhere, somehow, has known, if only for a moment or so, something of what it is to feel the shattering love of God, and once that has happened, we can never rest easy again for tyring somehow to set that love forth not only in words, myriads of words, but in our lives themselves."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 258)

Have you ever had a moment that just left you speechless? Not a devastating one, but where you went were just in such awe of what happened that you wanted to say something, to write down what you were feeling, and yet words escaped you.

Those occasions for me are great gifts of God's grace in my life. And yes, as a preacher I do try to articulate them, though no one would accuse me of preaching a long sermon. Of course try to describe that experience to someone and it will be quite a challenge. And maybe there's a reason for that.

When we spend to much time trying to come up with the right words to describe something only we've experienced it rarely works. Yet if I try to just take it all in, to incorporate it into the ever expanding life mental filing cabinet of life experiences, it has the potential to become a part of who I am. And maybe that's the point of any such moment, to help us grow closer to God and who we are supposed to be as humans.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 9/25/11

2011-09-25T04:20:00.000-07:00

"If we didn't already know but were asked to guess the kind of people Jesus would pick out for special commendation, we might be tempted to guess one sort or another of spiritual hero-men and women of impeccable credentials morally, spiritually, humanly and every which way. If so, we would be wrong. Maybe those aren't the ones he picked out because he felt they didn't need the shot in the arm his commendation would give them. Maybe they're not the ones he picked out because he didn't happen to know any. Be that as it may, it's worth noting the ones he did pick out."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.256)

There always seems to be a stereotype out there that Christians are perfect people. Have it all together. Always in a happy mood. An army of Ned Flanders running around doing good. Underlying that is the stereotype that all Christians pretend to be that.

Actually I know very few that are or even pretend to be. I've met some remarkable people of faith in my life, but I also know that many of them have some serious flaws, not ones that make them evil, but ones that keep them from being all that they can be. I also know some who cannot even see the good with themselves.

"Blessed are you," Jesus begins his sermon on the mount with 10 different groupings. Fitting into any of those groups would not exactly make one feel blessed by the way. And yet he is saying here's the silver lining, here's how we make lemonade out of your current lemon. Here's the reason to keep striving when you feel like quitting.

It would cheapen the message to call it a pep talk, but there are some resemblances. Most of us do better when we feel appreciated, when the work we do is acknowledged. Most of us can keep on keeping on, when we feel there's something worth striving for.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflection for 9/14/11

2011-09-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

"To anyone who is looking for good reasons for being a Christian, let me suggest the only really good one that I know....that in this man there is power to turn goats into tigers, to give life to the half-alive even to the dead; that what he asks of us when he says 'follow me' is what he also has the power to give, and this is the power of God that he has, that he is, and that is why men have called him the Christ."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 245-246)

One of the great challenges that comes from scripture is "to be able to give a reason for the hope that is in you." Or as Buechner asks, "for being a Christian."

So why am I a Christian? Good question. First I was born into this faith, and raised and nurtured in it. But so have countless millions of folk throughout history who would not claim that faith. I know that wherever life has taken me physically that sense of community that I find in Christian faith communities has grounded and sustained me during that time. Of course community can be found in lots of ways, there are plenty of organizations to join.

There is of course the person, Jesus of Nazareth, I didn't know him in a physical way that I would say the many friends that I have, but I count him among the closest friends I've got. And I try to emulate that friendship between us with the other friends that I have. His modeling of living as a human, in any time, one that values others and seeks not one's own glory but the glory that comes from knowing that I am beloved and beloved people know how to extend love matters greatly to me.

I don't know that I've given any reasons here to be a Christian. I do know this that if I weren't I wouldn't be who I am.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 9/13/11

2011-09-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

"What does it mean to be a human being?.....He knew now that at the end there was only one thing that counted-to be a saint....What interests me is learning to become a saint."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." pp.244-245)

Buechner quotes from two different books with the answer to his question; Graham Greene's The Power and the Glory and Camus The Plague. Certainly interesting that two different characters come up with a similar answer, be a saint, and how to be a saint.

When we hear the word saint we immediately think of some super human religious person. One who does incredible things in the name of God and who, so the stereotype goes, does nothing wrong.

Both of course like most stereotypes is greatly exaggerated. While certainly the more famous saints, the one's that get the press' attention do extraordinary things in the name of God, there are saints each and everyday, who live out their faith to the best of their abilities, but for whom notoriety is not going to be coming.

But if being a saint is the answer to being a human, then all we have to be is truly ourselves. To bring forth from ourselves the best we have to offer. To allow the light of Christ to shine through us much like the stained glass windows that are found in many religious buildings.

If sainthood was only perfection we'd have no saints. If sainthood was only about the extraordinary and not the ordinary, we'd be short changed. If being human is being a saint, meaning I suppose that we are named and we have a purpose, then sainthood is achievable for anyone.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 9/12/11

2011-09-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

"The other war is the war not to conquer but the war to become whole and a t peace inside our skins. It is a war not of conquest now but of liberation because the object this other war is to liberate that dimension of self hood which has somehow become lost, that dimension of self hood that involves the capacity to forgive and to will the good not only of the self but of all other selves."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 244)

St. Paul often talked about the war within the self. Probably where we get the notion that I'm my own worse enemy. In the post 9/11 days we heard much about our lost innocence. And there's something to that. We certainly have lost a lot of valuable inner strengths.

The world seems to me to be more afraid than ever. I don't know whether that is factual or not. I don't know how you measure a fear level. But I certainly hear the words, I'm afraid of as sentence starters more often than not. We look for psyche boosters to tell us we're all right, and unfortunately turn to the old standbys of racism and self-protection. We like to build fences where bridges are needed. All of which point to a lack of trust in God's benevolence and mercy toward us.

And while I don't expect people with no belief in God, to trust God, I do wonder why those who believe in God or any god take the bait of cynicism and fear. Perhaps its because we don't know how to forgive ourselves that we can't forgive others. Perhaps it is that we don't know what we really need to be happy so we keep substituting what we think we want.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 9/11/11

2011-09-11T18:08:00.000-07:00

Today of course is the 10th anniversary of the terrorists attacks here in America. Most people over the age of 15 can tell you what they were doing when they heard the news. Of course there are many folks for whom this day will always be filled with sadness, having lost a loved one in the attack.

I recall sitting in shock not believing what I was seeing. I certainly had concern for my relatives who live and work in Manhattan. There was so much confusion.and it was hard to get through to folks with the disruption to cell service. And of course over the next week and days it was just a sad as we watched the outpouring of grief.

10 years later, the day fell on a Sunday. There was much to do without even thinking about the 10th anniversary. I also knew there would be know way to pretend that it wasn't any different day. The Gospel lesson was about forgiveness. In my sermon I reflected that I thought forgiveness was not my first response 10 years ago. Who was I supposed to forgive. Even 10 years later, that question remains unanswered, except for the idea that all forgiveness that I offer is not for the other but for my spiritual well being.

I know that life was altered permanently 10 years ago. I know that the symbolic targets still hold sway for me. Our economy has not been the same since. Our military is spread across the globe on the offensive. Our politics seems even more divided.

I also noticed something tonight at our Ecumenical Service. The predominant demographic at this service was older folk. I'm not sure what that means. Do events like this play out differently across the generations? Probably so.

I know that I continue to hold in my prayers the families of victims of this heinous act. And I pray also for all of us, even if we didn't know someone personally who died. All of us were affected and continue to still live in a very different world than the one we knew before.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 9/7/11

2011-09-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

"What man and woman, if they gave serious thought for what having children inevitably involves, would ever have them? Yet what man and woman, once having had them and loved them, would ever want it otherwise?"(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 239)

When Gail and I got married, we both knew that we wanted to have children. We didn't right out of the honeymoon because we knew that me being in seminary it would be a struggle financially to start then. Once I had my first call, it was time to get started and we were fortunate to have two fine sons. We also knew that was probably the limit to what we could handle emotionally and financially.

I will say that no one is ever truly prepared for what having a kid or kids really means until it actually happens. When you're going through the baby stage you think you'll never sleep again, when will this life form start communicating in a way I can understand.. And of course they eventually do and you begin to wonder when they'll be quiet and stop being so opinionated and willful.

Each age has presented new joys and new challenges. And since I'm sure I still give my parents new joys and new challenges it never actually stops.

I wouldn't go back in time and have it any other way. I love my kids, even on days when that is a real challenge because of decisions they make. I don't think they are perfect by any stretch of the imagination, then again neither am I.

All parents that I've met whether man/woman , same sex, or single, know that the truth of being a parent is that it both energizes and drains us. And when we are at our best, our kids make out pretty well. When we're not having our best days, even then they may still be alright.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflection for 9/5/11

2011-09-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

"We also know that words spoken in deep love or deep hate set things in motion within the human heart that can never be reversed."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 238)

When was the last time someone said something deep to or about you? Either a compliment or an absolute verbal assault. The kind of phrase that left you stunned either positively or negatively.

We run into a lot of shallow stuff daily. Pious platitudes, sound bite statements. Compliments that we aren't sure are deserved or what may be behind them. We also know the callous sarcastic barb, the teasing, the name calling, the baiting. A lot of heat generated but not much light.

I'm sure in my lifetime I've received some words spoken from deep love for me. I am fortunate that I can barely recall a handful of deeply hateful words hurled my way.

I hope that I've said more words out of a place of deep love than hate. I also hope that the balance of my more shallow moments are from at least a place of love as well.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflection for 9/2/11

2011-09-02T20:03:00.000-07:00

"All the major Christian creeds affirm belief in resurrection of the body. In other words they affirm the belief that what God in spite of everything prizes enough to bring back to life is not just some disembodied echo of a human being but a new and revised version of all the things which made him the particular human being he was and which he needs something like a body to express; his personality, the way he looked, the sound of his voice, his peculiar capacity for creating and loving, in some sense his face."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 235)

A central tenet of the Christian faith, is no doubt resurrection. It is the center of the Easter message. It is what makes Christianity different from the other major world religions. It is also one of the hardest to prove. One either believes it on faith or doesn't. I can't see much wiggle room.

But what any one Christian believes about resurrection can vary. I find that this definition by Buechner works for me. It comes pretty close to what I say about resurrection and heaven when I preach at funerals. The how will we recognize our loved ones. I do not believe that the body we end our earthly pilgrimage with is what gets resurrected. That comes to close to Dawn of the Dead.

Resurrection and heaven for me must reflect who we were when we were at our best. The person most people would recognize in their minds eye if they were to encounter us again. That means doing the things that gave us life. Behaving in the ways that made us uniquely us.

I can't prove resurrection to anyone. I do believe it, and don't feel compelled to prove it. I know I've seen hints of it in my ministry. I look forward to the day when I witness it for myself.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 9/1/11

2011-09-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

"This is the day which the Lord has made,' says the 118th Psalm. "Let us rejoice and be glad in it.' Or weep and be sad in it for that matter. The point is to see it for what it is because it will be gone before you know it. If you waste it, it is your life that you're wasting. If you look the other way, it may be the moment you've been waiting for always that you're missing. all other days have either disappeared into darkness and oblivion or not yet emerged from them. Today is the only day there is."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 234)

I had a pretty good day today. There were things to do, people to visit. No real highs or lows. No unexpected twists. I probably won't look back on it as anything remarkable one way or the other. I just know that I could be marked as present.

I also know that many of my friends who are still feeling the effects of Irene cannot say the same thing. I can't imagine not looking back and feeling loss. I can't imagine not thinking about the days weeks and months ahead cleaning up. Being present in today is probably quite the challenge.

But perhaps it is those days that are neither filled with great joy or sorrow, that we need to pay attention to. What do we make of those days? Do we just stumble through them. Either pining for some mythical past, or longing or worrying about what the future holds?

To live for today, each day, is one of the greatest challenges of being human. But I wouldn't want to miss a moment.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflection for 8/31/11

2011-08-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

"In honesty you have to admit to a wise man that prayer is not for the wise, not for the prudent, not for the sophisticated. Instead it is for those who recognize that in face of their deepest needs, all their wisdom is quite helpless. It is for those who are willing to persist in doing something that is both childish and crucial."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 231)

I consider myself reasonably smart and prudent. Sophisticated, that's not a word that immediately comes to mind. I also know myself to be a person of prayer. I believe prayer to be a conversation with God, a time where I am reminded of people that matter to me. The place I go when I need to sort things out.

I don't believe prayer to be about wish fulfillment. I do believe that prayer is answered, even if I don't actually understand the answer, or it would not be the answer I expected. I know that prayer is childish in that it involves a certain level of trust, and room for the unknown. I know it to be crucial because when I'm not attentive to my prayer life, things have a habit of going askew.

I know prayer is not for everyone. There are people who have walked away from it because they have been disappointed by the lack of the outcome that they sought. I also know some people who make absolute statements about prayer who have to do some real mental gymnastics to explain why prayer didn't work.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflection for 8/30/11

2011-08-30T20:36:00.000-07:00

"Unfortunately the only language people really understand is their own language, and unless preachers are prepared to translate the ancient verities into it, they might as well save their breath."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 230)

Now you're speaking my language, is a phrase which usually is meant to say, I like what you're saying, or I agree with you. Occasionally it may also mean I understand what you're saying. I know there are parts of life where English may in fact be spoken, but I am clueless as to what the person is trying to tell me. Either the words are jargon laden and I'm not invested in what is being talked about or there are times when someone is trying to sound impressive but may in fact be covering up for the fact that they really have nothing to say.

Sometimes when I'm with brother and sister clergy, I wonder if I"m just the dumbest guy at the table. They use words that I'm sure at one time, probably seminary, I knew the meaning of, but I just don't care anymore. I know I should but I don't.

I hope that for the most part, I convey my thoughts clearly, precisely and in a way that doesn't leave people wondering what I just said.

We're told English is a complicated language to learn. Tough on immigrants and apparently tough on natives as well. There is a beauty to it, and without language in our tongue, important ideas can be left in the mist.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflection for 8/29/11

2011-08-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

"But notice this: that love is not really one of man's powers. Man cannot achieve love, generate love, wield love, as he does his powers of destruction and creation. When I love someone it is not something that I have achieved, but something that is happening through me, something that is happening to me as well as to him."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.230)

Love is a word that often comes out of our mouths. We tell people we are close to that we love them. I tell my wife this everyday. I'm not as good at articulating it to my sons, but this may be a particular hick up in the life of the father-son relationship. I know I love them, and would do anything for them, and try my best to make their lives enjoyable and create space for them to grow in. I also tell my parents that I love them, which I do.

I also know that love as word is something that can flow very casually as well, without much depth. How many of us as teenagers told the current "flame" at the time that we loved them. Perhaps we were parroting what we heard others say, but generally I doubt that I really loved any of them. I liked them well enough, but was still working out what it meant to really love some non-relative in that way.

The same can be said I think when we say we love God, or love Jesus. What do we really mean by that? Is it words we say because that's what we think we are supposed to say? Is it like that teenage "love" where we use the word while working out what it really means to us?

The hope of course is that it becomes something much deeper, that manifests itself not only from our lips, but in our lives. Lip service to love is often used to get something back. Fidelity and service to love is when we know it is real.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/28/11

2011-08-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

"And deep in my heart I do believe we shall overcome some day, as he will, by God's grace, by helping the seed of the kingdom grow in ourselves and in each other until finally in all of us it becomes a tree where the birds of the air can come and make their nest in our branches. That is all that matters really."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 229)

I got up this morning and headed over to the church. Unlike many of my colleagues I did not cancel services because of Irene. Maybe I'm foolish, the warnings were fairly dyer. But I've never succumbed to weather reports. I also believe that if the roads weren't clear, nobodies zeal for the Lord is that great that they would venture out if it weren't safe to do so.

Granted not many made it. As a matter of fact you could add all three services together and you wouldn't have the normal crowd for our 8 am service. But I know that many overcame some detours to get there. Many overcame the obstacle to letting the predictions dictate their actions. And their crazy priest wasn't giving them a reason to skip. Though maybe he should have.

There are of course in life many obstacles that we need to overcome. Some or truly huge and not of our own making. Others are mountains we've made out of mole hills. Seeing only what might be a problem and not stopping to think and pray about what solutions might be available to us.

Doing "kingdom work" is never easy. And in the cultural context of the Northeast where there exists a certain apathy towards faith, it is no small obstacle. But for those of us who keep our focus on these matters and continue to seek, knock and keep moving, amazing things do occur.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/24/11

2011-08-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

The conference has ended and I'm hanging out waiting to go to the airport. Conferences are always hard to leave especially ones that are engaging and are happening in beautiful locations. I don't long to get back on the plane, though I look forward to coming home.

I don't fly very often, though I do enjoy the thrill of hurtling through the air albeit in a contained environment *(I have no desire to sky dive). What I do not enjoy is the airport experience, the long lines, the wondering if you're plane has been delayed. I also find the seats rather confining. No real elbow room even, and not the most comfortable position to sleep in. I really do need my physical as well as emotional space.

One of the last speakers today was Bishop Barry Beisner of Northern California, who talked about vocation and leadership using the metaphor of hiking. This caught my attention, because I used to love to hike. I had a dream once of doing the whole Appalachian Trail. But I was too timid to take that kind of risk at the age when it was feasible and my body could have done it.

He said there were four things to keep in mind when hiking and related each to our work and I would add life in general. You must consider "trail." There really are clear paths that have been walked by others and while they sometimes need some tending, they can still be seen. Our "companions" who do we trust to be with us, whose company will we really enjoy, and who will motivate us when we want to call it quits. The "load", what we carry with us, do we know how to pack for the journey, what is it we really need, and what do we take because we think it might be useful but it just takes up space and weighs us down. And finally is "pace." If we go to fast we will burn out or collapse, but if we go to slow, we might not get to where we are going before it gets too dark to function.

I hope someday to be in good enough shape again to at least walk around the mountains in Copake Falls, but I know in the journey of life, those four things are essential, to a happy, productive and fantastic journey.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/23/11

2011-08-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

Apparently there was an earthquake on the East Coast today. I missed it because I'm here at a conference in Minnesota. While I didn't experience the forces of nature rocking my world. I too felt a trembling today.

I was invited to give a presentation to this conference. As someone who regularly has to get up in front of people and speak, you would think that I might have this shaking under control. What I'm beginning to understand is it is not the public speaking that shakes me up, but what I may have to say that gets me trembling.

When I'm nervous I can feel that shaking in my legs. I can hear a quivering in my voice. I don't know if others notice it or not, but I'm very aware of it.

The funny thing was that I realized that it was because I was sharing my "faith story" in the context of something else and that it is still a daunting task for me. Because my story isn't sexy, I always fear that in comparison to others my story sucks, and then those feelings of inadequacy start to take over.

Yet after today I realized how powerful that story is, even if I don't find it to be "news worthy."

How much in our experience of life do we think is "vanilla" and yet is essential to who we are, that the telling of the story, when we can muster the courage to tell it, is quite profound.

Earth moving, perhaps not. But important in understanding who I am, essential.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/17/11

2011-08-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

"When the kingdom really comes, it's as if the thing you lost and thought you'd never find again is you."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 217)

Self-discovery is a life long journey I find. Who is the real me, is a question that constantly puzzles and drives me. I've taken every personality test out there. I'm an ENFP according to Myers-Briggs test. "Warmly enthusiastic, planners of change: imaginative,individualistic, pursue inspiration with impulsive energy; seek to understand and inspire others."

I can see myself in that, but of course there's also the very shy Ed, the one who deals in the here and now, and constantly keeps looking for boundaries.

I know none of that makes me much different than most. I generally feel comfortable in my own skin, but occasionally wonder if the real Ed would please stand up.

There's that verse in the hymn Amazing Grace, "I once was lost, but now am found." I haven't fully lost myself, but there are times that I get off track and wonder where I am.

Which brings me back to the quote from Buechner, I suppose the kingdom is coming within as I continue this life long journey. It doesn't get fully accomplished but is always in view.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/12/11

2011-08-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

"I had music on the radio, but I didn't need it. The day made its own music."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 210)

I will readily admit that I often have music playing in my car. It usually is not the radio. I can't stand commercials and also the AOR stations in Philly seem to be fixated on only a few bands. My son and I joke that every time we got in the car either Pink Floyd or Pearl Jam was playing. For the record I like both of those bands, but enough already.

I usually just have my IPod on shuffle and away we go. It takes a while to get through 786 songs. I like my music because it keeps me awake. Sometimes I'll sing along but not often. I sometimes wonder why a priest is listening to hard rock and heavy metal, with some of the focus of the lyrics seeming to contradict some important beliefs that I hold. It is also true that I don't pay that much attention to the lyrics. That might be why I thought the album rating system that Al Gore's wife came up with was a dumb idea, unless you were a marketing exec.

I know that there are times that I love to just sit outside and let the sounds of the world be my music, but not when I'm in my car. Driving with the windows down just doesn't do it for me.

And when I can hear a song that just gets my head bopping along and energizes me, I'm good to go.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/11/11

2011-08-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

"Like the bear in Thurber's fable, sometimes the pious lean so far over backward that they fall flat on their face."(F.Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 210)

Flexibility verses rigidity. If one is rigid and starts to lean they just fall. When one is flexible a lean back doesn't cause a fall as much as it does gain a new perspective.

I wonder if sometimes I can get rigid. I like to consider myself flexible, open to other ideas. Yet I'm sure there are times that I've dug my heals in on something or tried to remain immovable only to have the whole endeavor crash.

That is not to say that occasionally having a spine is a bad thing. There are times that we need to hold fast to what we believe to be true, or important. And it is also a sign of wisdom and grace when we know how to let go.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/9/11

2011-08-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

"It's hard to imagine that there's a believer anywhere who wouldn't have traded places with Thomas, given the chance, and seen that face and heard that voice and touched those ruined hands."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.209)

I have a fairly lively and vivid imagination. I can visualize what a scene from a book looks like even if there aren't any pictures. I often go back in my mind and think about what I might do differently given a second chance at it. I also love to imagine trips to far away places or that road trip around the country watching baseball.

The History Channel also feeds this urge, with its reenactments. I can picture being at different times, just to observe, not to alter.

I'm sure as a believer there are scenes from the Bible that I'd love to witness.

What would you love to have seen? Who in history or fiction would you love to trade places with? What in your past would you like to replay? What dreams of the future keep you moving forward each day?

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/7/11

2011-08-07T18:18:00.000-07:00

"It is no wonder that the books and newspapers we read , the movies and TV we watch, are obsessed with the dark and demonic, are full of death and violence. It is as if the reason we wallow in them is that they help us keep our minds off the real death, the real violence."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 205)

Let me start by saying that I realize that I watch entirely too much TV. And most of it for the record isn't PBS. TV has always been a mind number. Whatever the genre it is pure escapism. The Soaps have always been this and of course now we've introduced into our lexicon reality TV.

I can look at these train wrecks on TV and wonder why am I so fascinated by it. Of course I could wonder why pro-wrestling had a similar hold on me too. My hunch is because I haven't figured out other ways to empty myself and shut off my mind.

I know I could read more, yet I don't. I could take long walks, but I don't. I do understand that I have to deal with a lot of death, generally not graphic, but still trying. I have to try and help people sift through some fairly dysfunctional stuff. And at the moment I choose to clear the deck so to speak with things that aren't actually life giving.

I know its not healthy, and I'm trying to cut back. I also know that there are other mind emptying exercises that would be far more cleansing. Perhaps they may be worth a try.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/6/11

2011-08-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

'Even with us something like that happens once in a while. The face of a man walking his child in the park, of a woman picking peas in the garden, of sometimes even the unlikeliest person listening to a concert, say, or standing in the sand watching the waves roll in, or just having a beer at a Saturday baseball game in July. Every once and so often, something so touching, so incandescent, so alive transfigures the human face that it's almost beyond bearing."(F. Buechener "Listening to Your Life"p. 204)

Every time I hear or see something heinous occur between or by human beings, I feel like screaming what's wrong with the world. Yet there are those moments where I see people doing something so profoundly beautiful or compassionate that I get hopeful real fast. I'm reminded that the human condition is always ready to act in profoundly positive ways.

Of course there are moments that aren't monumental but also remind me of why I love being alive in this time and this place. There are still scenes of everyday normal life, that I go Yes! I see this happen in people that I am close to and from time to time in people that I probably will never see again.

While those random acts of beauty do not completely erase the uglier side of life, they do serve to remind me where to place my hope.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/4/11

2011-08-04T10:42:00.000-07:00

"Very young children and very old children also seem to be in touch with something that the rest of the pack has lost track of."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.203)

While I tend to subscribe more to the biblical phrase that today's problems are enough for today," I will admit that I can space off into remembering my past and dreaming about my future from time to time.

Of course I know what my childhood looked like. And while I could sit and bemoan the not so pleasant parts and see them as some root cause of what I still don't get right, I do know that there are parts that were wonderful and still feed my soul now. My musical tastes have not matured, expanded perhaps but I still love rock and roll, the louder and faster the better. I still love baseball, even if I still can't play it any better than I could when I was eight. I still love walking in the woods, and still have a vivid imagination and love to make lists. Most of which will never be checked off.

And those times that I contemplate post retirement life, I hope that I will be able to sit back, relax and just enjoy. Do things as long as my body will let me and then gracefully let go, when it won't.

I get to see young children and old children regularly in my line of work. And often they are some of the funnest people to spend time with. I hope when become an old child, that I might still be seen as fun to be around.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/3/11

2011-08-03T07:14:00.000-07:00

"Wine is booze, which means it is dangerous and drunk making. It makes the timed brave and the reserved amorous. It loosens the tongue and breaks the ice especially when served in a loving cup. It kills germs. As a symbols, it is a rather splendid one."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.201)

The church throughout its history has had a love/hate relationship with alcohol. In the Roman Catholic Church, Lutheran and Episcopal churches, we generally use real wine at communion, no grape juice in shot glasses here. In my denomination we have made attempts to be sensitive to the reality of alcoholism and some now offer non-alcoholic wine. It is also true that many churches use wine that is almost as unpalatable as NightTrain.

Of course you're not actually supposed to be getting very much so that shouldn't actually matter. The anti-alcohol view that dominates other churches has always fascinated me. I understand the not wanting to condone getting hammered, and I certainly have seen lives ruined by an addiction to alcohol. Yet scripture has never been against alcohol or drinking in moderation. It certainly has something to say about being drunk and making that drug your god.

Honestly I'm not much of a drinker. I'll have a beer maybe once a month, all totalled I doubt I reach a case. It doesn't make me a better person, it just is not something I enjoy doing, and I'm cheap.

I didn't grow up in a house where alcohol mattered at all. There was a lot of dust and cobwebs in our liquor cabinet. I have witnessed people relaxing because of a drink, I've also seen some people become even more obnoxious as a result. Usually because they didn't know when to stop.

And that is true unfortunately of just about anything that is good in this world, food, sex, alcohol, sun bathing...We sometimes lose sight of the blessing and wind up over our heads.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/2/11

2011-08-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

"In a sense we are all hungry and in need, but we don't recognize it. With plenty to eat in the deeprfreeze, with a roof over our heads and a car in the garage., we assume that the empty feeling inside must be just a case of the blues that can be cured by a a weekend in the country or an extra martini at lunch or the purchase of a color TV. The poor on the other hand are under no such delusion."(F Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 201)

Today our government raised the "debt ceiling" while hacking away a large chunk of expenditures. Depending on which side of the aisle your lenses view the world, you see both things as good and bad. I honestly don't understand numbers this big, I especially can't relate to the people who make these decisions because they all have more net worth than I'll ever have and probably have never experienced real material poverty.

Frankly compared to many people in the world I hardly qualify as poor either. I probably pay 20% of my income to taxes when you factor it all together. While I won't claim that I wouldn't mind paying less, I do know what I'd like to believe the taxes that I pay are being used for.

And that in may be what makes this such a divisive issue. Why money will cause us to lose our minds and ultimately our souls. When I lose sight of the negative impact on folks worse off than me is, then I've become a tad to self absorbed. I always told myself that when I paid the Social Security part of my tax, to put a face to that money, and since I had grandparents and now parents, and certainly in my vocation others who rely heavily on those checks, I could make that sacrifice.

At the moment I find myself trying not to cave in to the fear that we may be about to exasperate an already humongous problem.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 8/1/11

2011-08-01T08:07:00.000-07:00

"The unflagging lunacy of God. the unending seaminess of man. the meeting between them that is always a matter of life or death and usually both."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.200)

Every time I get asked to do something, I'm always wondering if this is a matter of life or death? I can recall as a parent of younger children, saying "is there blood?" when responding to some apparent crisis.

The truth is that when I'm in a crisis, for me it is a matter of life or death. Or at least it seems that way. And of course most of my problems come from really poor planning on my part. I still am amazed how often the unflagging lunacy of God seems to step in and at least reorient me or calm me down. The lunacy is how often I'm rescued from my own apparent life or death situation. And this probably due to my over blowing the situation and through that crazy grace being allowed to calm down and look at the truth of the situation before proceeding further.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 7/31/11

2011-07-31T04:27:00.000-07:00

"True humility doesn't consist of thinking ill of yourself but of not thinking of yourself much differently from the way you'd be apt to think of anybody else. It is the capacity for being no more and no less pleased when you play your own hand well than when your opponents do."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 197)

I'd like to see myself as a humble person. At least in the way that Buechner describes it above. I have a feeling I'm more likely to down play anything I do well while always praising others. That isn't actually humility, it's more about attitude towards myself and a negative one at that.

True humility would have to actually admit that there are things that I do well. True humility would also not be measuring myself against the performance of others but merely appreciating how they do things well too.

What I see is that true humility really lies in being able to live fully into Jesus' second greatest commandment, "love your neighbor as yourself."

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 7/30/11

2011-07-30T07:47:00.000-07:00

"Which of us can look back on our own lives without seeing in them the role of blind chance and dumb luck? But faith, says the author of the Epistle to the Hebrews is 'the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.'"(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.196)

One of the more stressful aspects of just about every vacation I take, is financial. How far can we make the money we have to spend go? I'll readily admit that this last trip especially towards the end was one where I really thought we would be getting close to not having any money left.

But two weird things occurred. We arrived in one town and the hotel had bumped us. The silver lining the parent company paid for our other hotel. And also approaching an unforeseen toll and not thinking I had any cash only to stop panicking and find enough in my pocket.

Dumb luck, blind chance? Maybe, but I chose as a person of faith to see it as a grace filled moment. The one that reminded me that all I needed to do was trust.

I'm sure there are other instances that might also qualify as blind chance or dumb luck. They just as easily can be seen as grace filled moments.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 7/29/11

2011-07-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

"For another thing, his father, King David, was always either spoiling him rotten or reading him the riot act.This did not promote stability of character."(F.Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.195)

It has been a few weeks since I've written a reflection. I've been on an amazing journey, otherwise known as a vacation, with my two sons. We traveled well over 4000 miles in 11 days, touring Midwest baseball stadiums. Mrs Zelley chose to stay home in the air conditioned comfort of the house and work at her new job.

I wouldn't call the trip a bonding time, mainly because I believe I have a good relationship with my sons. I'm not their best friend, I don't try to be. I'd like to believe that I've been a good dad. One who has allowed them to grow up reasonably happy, and with reasonable boundaries and expectations.

I don't believe they are above reproach, but I will say that I find their behavior normal for teenagers.

Most parent/child relationships are complex. In many ways most of us reflect our upbringings, and in some less fortunate cases have to heal from them.

24 hours of straight contact with the same people for 11 days can either affirm what you already feel about someone or drive you nuts. I'd have to say that these last 11 days affirmed what I already knew about my sons. They are basically decent people. Their behavior not abnormal for the age group. And how blessed I feel to have spent this time with them showing them important parts of my past, and sharing a common love we have for the sport of baseball.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 7/13/11

2011-07-13T06:03:00.000-07:00

"Self-love or pride is a sin when, instead of leading you to share with others the self you love, it lead you to keep your self in perpetual safe-deposit. You not only don't accrue any interest that way but become less and less interesting every day." (F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 182)

Love thy neighbor as thyself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. We all know these phrases. The "Golden Rules." Every major religion has some variation of it.

I remember an ethics professor commenting that she deserved better than love neighbor as yourself. She'd seen to many people who couldn't or wouldn't love themselves, and did not wish to be treated in the same way. Good point. I know I get a little testy when I hear people talk about how much they love God and the next thing they say is how much they hate {fill in the blank}. I'm not sure how that really works.

Of course there is also that love of self which is more about notice me while I pay no attention to you. That's the kind Buechner is addressing. A person doesn't grow from that point of view. Mainly because of the second point most people lose interest.

The self-love that knows what it has to offer the world, and does so out of love for that world, is the kind Jesus was looking for. It is the kind that leads to personal growth. The kind that others are interested in watching and imitating.

Sometimes the most amazing thing to me about these kind of folks, is how little they are aware of what they are doing. They just do it for the sake of that circular love, God-neighbor-self.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 7/12/11

2011-07-12T13:57:00.000-07:00

"We must hep bear each other's burdens. We must pray for each other. We must nourish each other, weep with each other, rejoice with each other. Sometimes we must just learn to let each other alone. In short we must love each other."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p.181)

At most weddings that I officiate, they inevitably read 1 Corinthians 13. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Actually it is probably the best marital advice in the Bible, which is ironic since it has nothing to do with marriage. It is of course very much about community and relationship with others, and for those of us who are married that relationship is certainly way at the top.

The things we do for love is more than walking in the rain and the snow. It is about helping someone who is overburdened. If we are people who pray, be willing to pray. To offer food and advice, to be present when someone is having a bad day, and when everything is going right for them, even if you're having the bad day. And as hard as it is for me to sometimes grasp, to let people be alone when they ask.

Love is of course a mutual thing. We should also be able to expect those same actions towards us from those whom we love and who love us.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 7/11/11

2011-07-11T05:31:00.000-07:00

"One agile Lyman Woodard stood on his head in the belfry with his fee toward heaven. That's the one and only thing I've been able to find out about Lyman Woodard, whoever he hwas, but it is enough. I love him for doing what he did. It was a crazy thing to do. It was a risky thing to do. It ran counter to all standards orf new England practicality and prudence. It stood the whole idea that you're supposed to be nothing but solemn in church on its head just like Lyman himself standing upside down on his. And it was also a magical and magnifticent and Mozartian thing to do." (F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" pp. 180-181)

Sometimes I wonder if I've actually lived life fully. I'm hard pressed to recall a single time I've done anything outlandish, playfully foolish or risky. If anythng I'm at least consistent.

I certainly appreciate that perhaps Mr. Woodward was so overcome by joy that he couldn't help himself. I certainly have witnessed people do fun and silly things, just because they felt like it.

And while doing crazy things may not be the norm, I'm sure someone could recall a moment where I did something outside of normal Ed behavior. I mean that in a positive way. Not something that people would shake their heads and be disappointed to hear that I had done, but something that made them laugh or say wow who would have thought he'd do something like that, and smile as they said it.

Have you ever done something outside of the predictable you. Something outlandish born from a place of great joy. You probably have. But if it was way outside of the predictable you, its been suppressed.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 7/10/11

2011-07-10T04:05:00.000-07:00

"The psalmist doesn't try to explain evil. He doesn't try to minimize evil. He simply says he will not fear evil. For all the power that evil has, it doesn't have the power to make him afraid."(F.Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 180)

As a child I am sure I was afraid of many things, usually other people especially ones my own age. Being a fairly easy target for bullies I may have had some level of justification. I eventually got tougher, though not happier.

In sports I was also afraid. Probably why I never really learned to catch a baseball or hit one, just afraid. I was a horrible goalie because I was afraid to dive for the ball. Funny thing was in college I became a good goalie because someone got me past my fear.

I'm not a big fan of thrills or horror movies. But I'm no longer afraid.

I don't have a lot of fear of anything these days. I don't live a care free existence by any stretch of the imagination, but I do move forward in life. I may get apprehensive and slow down, but I'm not paralyzed by fear.

What I've noticed most about overcoming fears, is how much it cannot be done alone. And that may be the most important message the psalmist, especially the one who wrote Psalm 23 really got. I'm never alone even in those times when I should be most afraid.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 7/9/11

2011-07-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

"I suspect that the paths of righteousness he leads us in are more than anything else the paths of trust like that and the kind of life that grows out of that trust."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 180)

Trust is one of the hardest things to give and to maintain I suspect. I know who I trust, because I can tell them anything, I believe fully that they have my best interest at heart. I would do anything for them and go anywhere with them.

I don't know that I trust the government in the same way. I'm not paranoid about them, I just doubt that those elected officials have any idea what I need or want out of life, so they are just a necessary inconvenience to me.

I trust God for the reasons that I stated above about the important people in my life. I know that the life that I have that has grown out of that trusting relationship has impacted every other relationship.

Trust can lead to righteousness because the relationship is right. It does not lead to self-righteousness, because that is relationship out of whack.

Who do you trust? Who trusts you? Is the path you're walking one that people will follow or walk along side of you? Or do you walk a lonely road?

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 7/8/11

2011-07-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

"Like sheep we get hungry, and hungry for more than just food. We get thirsty for more than just drink. Our souls get hungry and thirsty; in fact is is often that sense of inner emptiness that makes us know we have souls in the first place."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 178)

I once knew a dairy farmer up in the town my parents now reside in. He said "sheep are dumb, cows are neat." Granted he may have been biased, but he does seem to be on to something. Part of me gets a little tense with the biblical imagery being a sheep, especially if they really are dumb. I'd much rather be neat.

I do understand and relate though to the image of sheep that seem to go their own way. I can have a serious independent streak within. Something that always seems to long for something that I don't have, yet cannot name. It makes me restless, bored sometimes. And when those moments take over, I find that things that usually are fulfilling stop happening. Take writing this blog. It's been a week since I last wrote I think. It hasn't been that I've had too much to do. I just couldn't find the motivation.

And yet today, something made me want to write. Maybe it is just the impending vacation. Maybe its the weather. Maybe it feels like this is an important part of my vocation and I need to get back on track.

Or maybe I just heard the shepherds voice saying Ed.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 7/1/11

2011-07-01T16:10:00.000-07:00

"Out of each old self that dies, some precious essence is preserved for the new self that is born; and within the child-self that is part of us all, there is perhaps nothing more precious than the fathomless capacity to trust."(F.Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p.174)

Well today starts the second half of 2011. It was a slow day. I'm not all the amped about holiday weekends, I have to work each day, so yawn for me.

As a child summer time for me really was much more about the month of August. That is when my father took his vacation time from the parish. My mom, as a teacher, had the whole summer off anyway. I'm sure my love for travel and seeing our great country is directly related to that childhood. While I don't take whole months off, I'm looking forward to showing my sons pieces of our country and a lot of a shared love, baseball.

As I watched the news tonight, mostly about people heading for the shore, I was again reminded of my past. My grandparents having a house in Ocean City. Walking along the beach, eating Campbell's Seafood. The magic of the boardwalk.

I live closer to Ocean City now than I did as a child, but I don't get there as much. No house to go to and the boardwalk, while having many of the same rides I loved as a kid, no longer speaks to my teenagers. Fortunately it did when they were younger.

There are parts of me and what I've always loved that are still alive and well, sports and rock music. I still like to read, but haven't found the time. What I value in this world and what I think is truly important also have their roots in the younger self, but are more nuanced now.

What I hope I never lose or have nuanced is that child like trust. The one that Jesus talks about his disciples really needing to have in order to make it in this world. I battle cynicism and paranoia both within myself and with those that I encounter.

I'd like to trust authority, but I'm not there yet. I'll respect it, but from a distance. Maybe if it were really there for me, the trust would be easier.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/30/11

2011-06-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

"Dying and dissolution continue to strike fear in me. Death itself does not. Ten years ago if somebody had offered me a vigorous, healthy life that would never end, I would have said yes. Today I think I would say no. I love my life as much as I ever did and will cling on to it for as long as I can, but life without death has become as unthinkable to me as day without night or waking without sleep."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 172)

I'm not afraid of death either. And while I'm not death defying by any stretch, I do believe in living life fully. I too would reject never ending life on earth, unless you could guarantee the same for everyone and not bring anymore people in. And that is ridiculous.

I certainly have enough experience being with dying folks to not let it destroy me. I'm not saying that it is easy to be present in that moment, but it comes with the territory.

When I think of retirement I sometimes dream of going to the local animal shelter and saying I'd like the large old dog that has a few good years in them, that no one else seems to want. Take em for walks, have them sit with me while I read or watch a ball game and let them die happy and loved.

And maybe that's my hope for myself as well. Enjoy life for as long as I have it, and when I die let me be happy and loved.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/29/11

2011-06-29T12:15:00.000-07:00

"It is impossible for me to believe that the words even of scientific genius can say all there is to say about the origin of the universe as it is impossible for me to believe that the words even of Sophocles or Shakespeare can say all there is to say about human tragedy or the words even of Jesus Christ can say ll there is to say about
God and about our lives under God."(F Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 171)

"Is that your final answer?" The catch phrase of Regis Philbin on the show who wants to be a millionaire. He of course is trying to make the contestant squirm, and to perhaps second guess themselves and create a little drama on what is mostly an easy multiple choice game.

As is the case with any test, a final answer ultimately has to be given. But there are things in life that aren't about final answers. There are unfolding mysteries. And as the saying goes, just when you think you have all the answers, we change the questions.

I even know as a parent that my answers aren't always final. I try to at least start with a let me think about it. Which does not bind me one way or the other right then and there.

But many academic disciplines look for final answers. Whether it be the hard sciences or the social sciences, each new discovery or though attempts to stake some claim to being the final answer and yet somewhere down the road some new discovery or insight, brings the next final answer.

I don't particularly like final answers. I find them to binding. I like to live in a world of incompleteness where there are still mysteries to solve, still thoughts to be thought, still relationships to be forged. I hope I never lose such a curiosity. I might be so crazy as to suggest that when I have all the answers, either God or I am dead.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/28/11

2011-06-28T08:16:00.000-07:00

"That, I suppose, is the final mystery as well as the final power of words: that not even across great distances of time and space do they ever lose their capacity for becoming incarnate. Adn when these words tell of virtue and nolity, when they move us closer to that truth and gentleness of spirit by which we become fully human, the readeing of them is sacramental."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 170-171)

Summer always seems to make people think about reading. Perhaps its visions of more free time, though I'm not sure that is actually true for most people. I know that if my vacations were sitting at the beach or lake front, I'd probably do more pleasure reading. I say this because I know at one time I was a voracious reader.

I haven't stopped reading, but will admit that the ratio of reading to tv watching is out of whack at the moment. I also know that I'd weigh a lot less if I'd change that ratio. Very hard to read a book and stuff your face at the same time.

What I recall loving most about reading was discovering insights into myself. Or perhaps putting me in the place of one of the characters. One of my favorite childhood books was My Side of the Mountain and I do recall dreaming of being that person. I identify very much with Gandolf from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

Of course as a Christian, I find my self and my experiences of living in this world in the Bible. That's why it still speaks to me, because I'm in there. The good, the bad and the ugly of me.

For something to be sacramental it is supposed to be an outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace, and I can see how books can be that. Certainly they are outward and visible signs and the the places we find connection to ourselves the inward part comes into focus.

I don't know if I'll read much on my vacation this year. Too much baseball and driving. But I might try very hard to get back into the habit of reading for the sheer joy of it.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/27/11

2011-06-27T19:08:00.000-07:00

"There is very little religion in Shakespeare, but when he is greatest, he is most religious."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 169)

I certainly have read plenty of Shakespeare in my life. From British Lit. at MHS, to a whole semester at Grinnell College. Of course it was probably ruined for me because I had to write a paper on whichever play it was we were reading. I should probably go back and just read them for pleasure, knowing there's no test or paper to write. Would I see religious themes in the writings now? Who knows. I certainly think of the soliloquy in MacBeth, life is but a fleeting shadow, a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing, and I hear echoes of St. Paul. Our Puck with "Lord What fools these mortals be."

Shakespeare would not be the only author I'd love to go back and read now that I could just read. How much more might I see in some of the other authors I read in high school and college? I know that reading the Chronicles of Narnia and the Harry Potter Books through the lenses of my vocation, I see very familiar themes. The end of the Deadly Hallows is almost blatantly Passion/Easter narrative.

So what would you love to read again if you knew you could just read it? What in your current life experience might reveal some new insight that you hadn't seen before?

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/26/11

2011-06-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

"To go on as though something has happened, even though we are not sure what it was or just where we are supposed to go with it, is to enter the dimension of life that religion is a word for."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 169)

I am sure there have been times in my life when I've experienced something or made a choice to do something and have no rational reason for doing it. I don't mean that in some fool hardy or dangerous way. But at a moment when I chose to take a direction that isn't clear to me where it will lead or why it is the right thing to do. I just know it to be right.

And when I reflect on the Elijah passage where he senses the presence of God not in earthquakes, wind, or fire, but in sheer silence. Something that makes no sense but he comes out of the cave anyway, right then.

In a world where we feel that we constantly have to justify or choices, weigh every pro and con, look to make sure we considered every possible outcome, we may miss the real opportunity to live fully into our lives. We may also miss out on encounters with God.

Often what we are looking for isn't as clear as it first seems. Usually below the surface of what we articulate lies the real heart of what we long for and really need.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/25/11

2011-06-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

"There is a game we play sometimes. If we could somehow meet one of the great ones of history, which one would we choose?"(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 167)

I certainly have played that game, though I think it usually was played more in the writing of a paper or answering an interview question. I suppose the first choice would be obvious given my vocation, Jesus of Nazereth. Next I'd take Paul of Tarsus. Both I'd like to hear directly what they meant. I'd ask them what they thought of my world.

Because my interests vary I would have someone in almost any field of study or era. The history major in me would actually rather go back in time to observe events rather than interview individuals. My hunch is that most of the great ones in history would be no better at articulating their real thoughts, motives etc. than our current important people are. Imagine the great ones being interviewed by Jon Stewart or Bill O'Reilly to name two who people take seriously.

So who would you choose? What would you ask? It is a fun game to play. Here's another if someone in the future decided to come back and talk to you, what would you have to say?

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/23/11

2011-06-23T07:48:00.000-07:00

"To read the story of our immigrant forebears as it is summarized on the base of the old statue is to read our own story, and maybe it is only when we see that it is our own story that we can really understand either it or ourselves."(F.Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 166)

The summer before my senior year of high school I went to American Legion Boys State. It was basically a conference about civics and was in many ways a great experience. One goofier moment that I recall was waiting for a film to start and they were having technical difficulties. For some reason someone shouted "I'm an Italian-American." This was followed by a multitude of other hyphenated Americans, until I finally shouted "I'm a WASP." To which everyone laughed.

The truth is that I don't have a fabulous immigrant story. No love for some other country that I've never visited let alone lived in. I'm not even an American mutt. My ancestors have been in this country since the 18th century.

When I visited Ellis Island, as a history major, I found the place fascinating. So many stories. And then I thought about the history of each of those waves of immigrants. Each one seen as lower forms of life by the established population. And yet in time each of those nationalities becoming "American" eventually. With all the rights and privileges and all the heartbreak and headache that come with it.

And I believe it is those foreigners in our midst that continue to make the fabric of our nation so wonderful. And while I love being who I am in that context, I learn much from my encounters with the non-WASPS. And as a Christian, I share in the hope of another promised land.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/22/11

2011-06-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

"He hears inside himself the words, 'Water the earth with the tears of your joy and love those tears' and suddenly he gets down on all fours and kisses the earth with his lips, and when he gets up, he's no longer a teary wreck of a boy but a 'champion,' Dostoevsky writes-some kind of crazy champion and hero."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 165)

Buechner's reflection is on a scene from the Brothers Karamazov. I may have read the book in my high school World Literature Class at Metuchen High School, I just don't remember. But I can picture the scene. The character awakes from a dream that he has at a funeral and runs out of that place filled with joy because of the dream, and moves away from his grief and disappointment to a different way of being.

Tears of joy. I think the last time I shed those was when my son won his first varsity wrestling match. I hope I was just happy for him. Somehow I'm sure there was that part of me that was reliving my lack of sports success, but recalling how good that first win felt, and how it made me want to continue.

Tears of joy, when something just goes so superbly right that the very thing you were ready to quit on, you decide to keep going. Who knows why. A dream perhaps? Just an ah-ha moment? Or that small dose of something coming from somewhere that reminds you why you started this in the first place.

Here's hoping for more tears of joy in one's life. Certainly we have enough of the other kind.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/21/11

2011-06-21T07:23:00.000-07:00

"But it happened-this glimpse of something dimly seen, dimly heard, this sense of something deeply hidden."(F.Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 164)

On Sunday I drove my son Peter up to stay with my parents in Copake Falls NY. I really do love it up there, not just because my parents are there , but because of the quiet and the beauty of the place. I love just walking in the woods, and listening. No noise other than the birds, the babbling of the brook and the wind sometimes whipping through the trees.

I also know that my favorite time of day is the morning for much of the same reason, it is quiet, there is time to think, to meditate and just be still.

And it is in those moments of solitude, that I do occasionally catch a glimpse of something, hear a faint sound and begin to dive deeply into the meaning of life, my relationship with God, and my relationship to others.

I hope to retire to Copake Falls, though there are a lot of variables outside of my control. To walk the woods in my retirement, maybe with an old dog. Then to remember and to continue to catch a glimpse, to hear the sound of silence, and to sense God's presence even more deeply than normal.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/20/11

2011-06-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

"The Bible is usually very universal and makes you want to see something-some image to imagine it by."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.163)

Whenever I read a book for pleasure, I often can create a mental image of what the setting looks like, what the characters look like etc. Especially if the author is good. I usually like to read a book before seeing a movie adaptation of it, so as not to spoil the mental picture.

I think the creators of the Harry Potter movies really did a great job of creating images. As did the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Chronicles of Narnia. I'm sure there are others as well.

The Bible is a different beast of course, because it is not seen as fiction. It is also true that our 21st century imaging has been tainted by Children's Bibles and Renaissance Art.

But I do still like to attempt to picture the biblical scenes. Put myself in the crowd if you will. It makes the words on the page come to life for me as I attempt to incorporate them into my life.

While I don't see God as an old white man with a long beard, nor do I see an Anglo-Saxon Jesus, I have had some wonderful images of the biblical characters and can picture some of the great events, and even some that aren't as well known.

It works for me because faith needs all the senses working together to create that deeper relationship.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/19/11

2011-06-19T03:43:00.000-07:00

"The final secret I think, is this; that the words 'You shall love the Lord your God,' become in the end less a command than a promise."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 162)

The greatest commandment according to Jesus. I've never been good with commandments. I certainly will take instruction, but tell me what I have to do, and the little rebel in me wants to play. Though in all honesty he rarely gets those chances.

I've never thought about the commandments being more promise than commandment. Yet instinctively none of the 10 are on my radar screen to break. I won't do those things I'm commanded not to do, not out of fear of punishment, but because out of love I can't nor do I want to.

All of the temptations to go against them exist in our world. Yet somehow out of that first promise, that I'll love God, because God first loved me, everything else seems to flow. I can and want to love God, because even in my worst moments, God is there. Not with a smack to the head, but with a more of a "come on, let's try that again, differently this time."

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/16/11

2011-06-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

"The story of Christ is where we all started from, though we've come so far since then that there are times when you'd hardly know it to listen to us and when we hardly know it ourselves...the story of Jesus, where we all started, is like being suddenly called by your childhood name when you've all but forgotten your childhood name and maybe your childhood too."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 160-61)

If you grew up in a faith community, mine happens to be Christian, then there is undoubtedly parts of your faith experience that our foundational.

I suppose for most Christians it is the old kids song "Jesus Loves Me this I know." I think St. Paul would call it in his writings spiritual milk. It is certainly a good starting off point. The longer we stay engaged with our faith the more we build upon those original foundations.

Yet sometimes with all the other experiences in life and the further knowledge we get about faith and other matters that foundation can get forgotten. Much like that name we had as a kid.

As far as I can remember I've always been Ed. Never Eddie. Edmund, my given name, is rarely used. And those who try to get formal often call me something else.

I wonder if because I've never lost sight of that foundational piece of my faith that the name I'm still called, by those who know me well, walks hand in hand with my relationship with Christ. I do think I've gone beyond milk, but I still love a cold glass of it, have it daily with my cereal and enjoy dairy products. I'm glad I haven't become lactose intolerant spiritually either. To know that I am beloved by God and others is quite nourishing indeed.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/15/11

2011-06-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

"If the idea of God as both Three and One seems far -fetched and obfuscating, look in the mirror someday.
There is (a) the interior life known only to yourself and those you choose to communicate it to (the Father). there is (b) the visible face which in some measure reflects that inner life (the Son). And there is (c) the invisible power you have in order to communicate that interior life in such a way that others do not merely know about it, but know it in the sense of its becoming part of who they are (the Holy Spirit). Yet what you are looking at in the mirror is clearly and indivisibly the one and only you."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 160)

Ah the doctrine of the Trinity. It will be preached about or avoided by many this coming Sunday. Many have attempted to describe it. St. Patrick said it was like a three leaf clover. Others shrug their shoulders and say that its a mystery. And of course the belief system of the Christian Faith is engulfed in it. If you read the Koran you'll find that Mohamed thought that the Doctrine embraced polytheism.

I've never seen the Trinity described in the way Buechner does, but it rings true for me. Certainly when I look in the mirror, I do a lot of interior work. What am I feeling inside, who is that man behind the mask really. I can look at the face and once the narcissism subsides have a decent idea of what I look like. And certainly there are ways that the exterior and the interior Ed interact with others that is also there.

While I'm not certain that Buechner's description makes the Doctrine any clearer than an ancient creedal statement. It at least is an entrance point that I can relate to and can work out my own description and see if that makes any sense.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/12/11

2011-06-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

"Finally this. If you look at a window you see fly specks, dust, the crack where Junior's Frisbee hit it. I f you look through a window you see the world beyond. Something like this is the difference between those who see the Bible as a Holy bore and those who see it as the Word of God which speaks out of the depths of an almost unimaginable past into the depths of ourselves."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p.159)

I read the Bible on a daily basis. Granted it is because I'm saying Morning Prayer and there are always two readings and a psalm. Also someone else chose what I'd read. There were at least two years where I read all of the Bible. Didn't skip a chapter or a verse. I also didn't begin at Genesis 1 and try to get to the end of Revelation either. I had a guide that broke readings down into manageable chunks and gave variety.

When I read the Bible I usually am attentive to four things. First is there something that confirms what I believe. Second is there something that challenges what I believe. Third is there something that just makes me laugh. And finally are there verses to memorize because they'll be helpful when debating a fellow believer who doesn't agree with me.

Sometimes when we focus on something so intently we will see only the defects and imperfections, that "looking at" that Buechner writes about. When I see through I'm more attentive to the much deeper and more subtle messages of life. I often do get the subtext of what's actually going on.

I do think it is important for those of us who profess faith in the Judeo-Christian God to be reasonably familiar with the Bible. As a reminder though, we worship the God of whom it speaks, not the book itself.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/13/11

2011-06-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

"This church. The church on the other side of town, the other side of the world. All churches everywhere. The day will come when they will lie in ruins, every last one of them."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 156)

While this is a tad on the apocalyptic, the reality is that many churches do close. I don't believe mine is in any danger at the moment, but I do know that there are faith communities that are barely surviving.

There are a host of reasons for this. Demographics change. The church was operating independently and once the charismatic leader left, there was no one to replace them. Some get so small that they cannot stay open do to financial constraints.

No matter what the reason, the closing of a church is always painful. For those who called that place their faith home, many moments of their life resided in that building. And when it is gone a piece of themselves goes with it.

We are told not to put to much attachment into a building, but that's easier said than done. And it goes beyond churches. Schools may have the same emotional attachment. Homes that we grew up in. Whenever any place that we have memories of or in ceases to be, it hurts.

The best thing we can hope for is to remember the good times in those places that may no longer exist.

You know, I even find it a challenge when the place still exists but has changed from what I remember.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/12/11

2011-06-12T06:04:00.000-07:00

"Moments continue to go up in flames like the bush in Midian to illumine, if only for a moment, a path that stretches before us like no other path. And such moments call out in a voice which, if we only had courage and heart enough, we would follow to the end of time."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 156)

I'm always impressed by folks who know exactly what they want out of life. Who feel fairly certain of the path they are on. Of course I've also seen the bottom fall out on some of them, and had to help them pick themselves up.

I'm not always certain of everything in life. There are times when I feel adrift. There are times when I'm not sure who I am or what I want to be when I grow up. Yet there are also those times when there is a flash of clarity and the way is obvious, and when I'm most attentive I notice it and follow before it recedes again.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/11/11

2011-06-11T17:20:00.000-07:00

"What I means is that if we come to a church right, we come to it more fully and nakedly ourselves, come with mere of our humanness showing, then we are apt to come to most places." (F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p.154-155)

I've never really considered what would be a wrong way to come to church. I'm sure drunk or high would probably qualify. Coming with no clothes on, probably not a good idea either.

I do think that some of the reasons people stay away are the very reasons to come. I have doubts. Doesn't everybody? I'm not comfortable dressing up. Good thing God doesn't care about what you're wearing as long as you've got clothes on. My life is a wreck. What a great place to heal.

I'm glad to be part of a church that can let people be who they are. I wish more people would understand that such places exist.

I've been blessed to be a part of faith communities where I didn't have to pretend to be something I'm not. Where I was allowed to discover fully who I am without having to hide.

Not every faith community will do that. The ones that do in my opinion have it right.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/9/11

2011-06-09T14:02:00.000-07:00

"Speak what we feel not what ought to say." (F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 153)

Yesterday I ran across a quote from Joan Rivers, "My success has been in saying what everyone else is thinking." I believe that I have been told that about myself. Of course it is usually followed up by but we're not dumb enough to say it.

Sometimes I can be very vocal about what I feel. That honesty can be refreshing at times. It can also come across as tactless and can often get me in trouble.

I definitely do better when I've taken the time to think out my responses. Yes sometimes my "quick whit" is quite timely. Then again it may also be tiresome to those who have to hear it.

What I feel and what I ought to say, sometimes are right in sync. That's usually when my best advice comes out. When what I ought to say is said, but does not really reflect how I feel, I"m lying. And when I'm feeling something but refrain from articulating it because I ought not to say it because it really won't help, I'm probably being very wise.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/8/11

2011-06-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

"Till his face goes grey waiting for what looks like it's never going to come...that's the face we all of us got when we're not doing anything special with our face."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.152)

I must be getting nervous in my old age. I find that when I'm waiting for someone, wife or kids to come back from wherever they are that I start to think the worst. It's really silly to waste that much time worrying about something that probably isn't going to happen.

I also know that when we wait for something to arrive a letter, a phone call, perhaps about a job, or some medical update that the same level of stress enters. Of course the longer we wait and the longer nothing comes we soon loose interest in it, and then are overwhelmed with perhaps joy or sorrow depending on what comes.

I am sure one of the most frustrating parts of the Christian faith is the waiting for the return of Christ. Even though we're told we won't know, but be ready, it is easy to get that glazed over feeling, and perhaps even impatience.

There was a seen in a Bugs Bunny cartoon which parodied Robin Hood. A character kept coming in and saying "don't you worry never fear, Robin Hood will soon be here." Bugs replies finally, "yeah, yeah, you've been saying that through the whole show." Of course that's when Errol Flynn comes flying in and saying "Welcome to Sherwood."

I think the interminable waiting for the second coming begins to gnaw at folks and you suddenly get the Harold Camping types trying to make things happen. What I've decided is that while I don't know when, I'm going to attempt to be found doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And not be caught off guard. Sometimes folks stop moving while they are waiting. I prefer to keep in motion.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/7/11

2011-06-07T06:03:00.000-07:00

"The Kingdom comes by looking for it. The Kingdom comes sometimes by not looking for it too hard. There's times the Kingdom comes by it looking for you." (F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 151)

Have you ever lost something and frantically looked for it? I know I have. I'll tear the place apart, my mind racing trying to remember where I last saw the object of my search. I'll admit this frantic looking rarely is successful. Usually I have to stop, breath, and think. This is sometimes successful. And certainly a lot less stressful. Rarely does the object find me.

This is also true of relationships. If you go searching for a person to share your life with, you might find them, use every medium known to mankind. There are times when relationships just happen, you weren't looking the person wasn't really looking and you meet. And of course there are the times when you are the one sought out.

Jobs also work that way. We can frantically search, send our resume to every opening under the sun. Sometimes we slow the pace down and the right job appears. And of course sometimes people actually get recruited.

God's kingdom works that way too. I can go constantly looking for it. Most likely my definition of what the kingdom is will get in my way. When I'm not constantly looking for it and just doing, the kingdom gets encountered because I haven't tried to define it. And then there's times when it just knocks on the door and screams here I am.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/2/11

2011-06-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

"We make our own way in the world, we fight our own battles, we are not looking for any handouts, we do not want something for nothing. It threatens our self-esteem, our self-reliance."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 143)

I love the myth of the self made man, the rugged individualism that makes our country "great." I call it a myth because in the real world, very few make their own way. Most people start with parents who create opportunities for us to grow. We have mentors and teachers along the way who give us knowledge and encouragement, and often clear debris from our path that we are too blind to see ourselves.

We usually don't fight battles alone. We seek advocates. Or at least an ear to bend. And we will come to the rescue of others or take up causes just because.

We may claim to not be looking for handouts, but we're always looking for that "deal." Or sometimes living by the motto if it's free it's for me. Of course the reality is that nothing is really free, but all of us look for some special treatment or favor at some point in our lives.

The truth actually is that we are all much more connected and dependent on others than we may care to admit. And that's not the end of the world as long as others can depend on us as well.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 6/1/11

2011-06-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

"I sat by myself in the front pew feeling awkward and unreal."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 144)

18 years ago this month, though I'm not sure of the exact date, I was ordained a Deacon in the Episcopal Church. 6 month later I was ordained a priest. I certainly was sitting by myself that hot June day. Five other people were ordained with me. I don't remember any especially strange feelings. I'm sure I had some level of excitement. I know that I didn't feel different.

And that is where my story seems different. And that difference has often caused me angst. I know clergy who will talk eloquently and sincerely about how emotional the moment was for them. How they felt the "set apart." I just didn't. Maybe I was too young. No secular career vanquished to follow God's call. Just following for me.

I do love what I do. I can't imagine being anything else. Though honestly I've never really been anything else so how would I know. I wouldn't change a thing about the last 18 years. The awkwardness that I may still feel is just another part of me that has always been there. The being a priest, who happens to love baseball and rock and roll makes me real in an unreal way.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 5/31/11

2011-05-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

"To be bored is to turn down cold whatever life happens to be offering you at the moment. It is to cast a jaundiced eye at life in general including most of all your own life. You feel nothing is worth getting excited about because you are yourself not worth getting excited about." (F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 142)

As a parent I have often heard the words I'm bored. You could be in a house full of toys and be bored. And one of the worst parts of boredom is that it dulls the mind. Even though there are plenty of things to do, boredom kills motivation. That homework, housework, taking a walk, none of it happens.

While I might not communicate my boredom verbally, I know that I too get bored. The great religious word for it is acedia. It is one of the seven deadly sins. I thought sloth and gluttony had me, but really they follow the lead of acedia.

I know this because when I'm bored, I don't get much done. When I'm busy, I actually get a lot done. Those down times that come that most people would use to regroup or catch up, wind up creating a slothful Ed, or if there's food a glutton.

The only way I know out of boredom is to get busy. Too much time for me is a danger. And when I"m at my lowest, it gets easy to get bored by even things that usually get me going.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 5/30/11

2011-05-30T19:09:00.000-07:00

"We search for a self to be. We search for other selves to love. We search for work to do. And since even when to one degree or another we find these things, we find also that there is still something crucial missing which we have not found, we search for that unfound thing too, even though we do not know its name or where it is to be found or even if it is to be found at all."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life." p. 142)

I've heard people say life is a journey perhaps a quest. I've never heard about life as a search, though I have a feeling that may be closer to the reality.

As a teenager we try hard to search for who we really are. All kinds of experimentation, watching the reactions of others as we attempt to determine who we are and how we fit in. In our relationships we may search for that perfect mate. Companies like Eharmony are doing that. 40 levels of compatibility, before you've even met the person. When we are looking for a job we are in a search. I went through a job search right after college, and as a priest, I enter into search processes, though I haven't in a while.

A search can be frustrating when we aren't as sure of what we are looking for. When we are clear about our own dreams and visions, the searching becomes less of a wandering. And yet sometimes when we think we've found what I'm looking for, the reality is that U2 may have been right. "We still haven't found what we're looking for."

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 5/29/11

2011-05-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

"Because the promises that are given are not just promises to love the other when the other is lovely and lovable, but to love the other for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, and that means to love the other even at half-past three in the morning when the baby is crying and love each other with a terrible cold in the head and when the bills have to be paid."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 140)

This summer I will be officiating at three weddings. Two of the brides are people who were in my youth group in the past, young ladies that I've know since they were teenagers and younger. The other couple it is a second marriage for both. I haven't known them as long, but feel privileged to be a part of their new life together.

I don't know how many weddings I've officiated at over the years. Frankly they're not my favorite part of my job. Yet I do think that the promises made are somewhat awesome. I like the vows in the Book of Common Prayer, very simple, very direct. They invite a couple to really understand that life together will not always be a Kodak moment. But the love that brought them together will help them through the not so pleasant times. Yet that is often the times when things start to fall apart. I do think that part of the problem is that couples forget that they have people who promised to support them in their new life together. Yet there is something within our nature that causes us to withdraw or shut down at the very time that we need help.

I can't say that every wedding I've officiated at is still going strong. Some certainly are. I know as someone who has been married for almost 21 years, to truly enjoy the good times, I have to learn how to work through the rough patches.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 5/28/11

2011-05-28T06:19:00.000-07:00

"The life that I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place and time my touch will be felt. Our lives are linkied together. No man is an island."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 139-140)

There was terrific movie "Pay it Forward" in which the principle of this quote is shown quite well. There is also an ad on tv for I think New York Life which also shows this ideal.

Do I really have that profound an effect on the world? Probably and in ways I don't even know. When I'm seen at my best or my worst, by another person, I have an impact. That impact may be small, perhaps I made them laugh or aggrevated them. Even if they weren't the intended audiance, they may still have their day affected.

I know that I am impacted by the actions of other people. Whether I'm directly involved or just a casual witness. So I try regularly to remind myself befor I lace into someone, that I might feel momentarily better, but all I've done is transferred my bad mood to someone else.

So whether it is us as individuals, or as a church, a group, or a nation or actions have reverberations all over the place, because we are bound by a common humanity.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 5/11/11

2011-05-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

"The almighty and merciful God pardon and deliver you, forgive you every face you cannot look upon with joy."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 119)

I feel fortunate that there are very few faces that I cannot look upon with joy. Or at least faces of people who are or were important to me. I'm sure there are some politicians whose face doesn't bring me joy.

I do wonder though about the faces that I feel neither joy nor anger towards. Do I need to be forgiven for the faces I feel indifferent towards. While I may not be hostile towards them, is there a callous indifference towards others that keeps me from enjoying life fully? Is ignoring my fellow human beings who are suffering or feel oppressed almost as bad as disliking them intensely?

That's a hard question. I may need to be forgiven for those places where I could have done something but couldn't muster enough energy to care.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 5/10/11

2011-05-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

"Tell her he forgives her for being lonely and bored, for not being full of joy with a houseful of children,. That's what sin really is. You know-not being full of joy."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.119)

Sin, that nasty religious word. A word that all of us have, that dwells somewhere within us. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, the Bible tells us. There are pastors out there who constantly harp on sin, pointing fingers, and letting folks have it. Usually they are ignoring there own rather large logs in their own eyes.

I've always defined sin as revealing broken relationships. Our relationships with God, our neighbors and ourselves. There are actions that are sinful because they negatively impact those relationships. But I sort of like Buechner's definition, "not being full of joy." I wonder if it might be more accurate to say that the absence of joy in one's life leads to the sinful behavior. As we try to fill some void where joy seems to be unable to break through and we take a short cut and oops we're even less joyful than when we started.

I suppose for me to keep from caving in, I need to find joy in the what I have materially, spiritually and relationally. They are all good and more than enough. When I see that sin doesn't have much of a chance.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 5/9/11

2011-05-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

"What she asked him to do for me was walk back through my memory, as though it was a long hall. She asked him to open all the closed doors, and to bless whatever he found inside."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.119)

My grandfather lived in a 3 story Victorian in Haddonfield NJ. I have vivid memories of that home and could give you a talking tour of my memories of each room. The third floor still stands out in my mind. I can still see it, and I can still recall the feelings I had as a 1st and 2nd grader walking up there.

There were closets at the foot of each landing, with a closed door, you didn't open those doors, who knew what was behind them. You then ran to the end of the hall. there were three doors at the end. The center door was to my mother's room, when she was a teen.

I like the idea that memories are like long halls with closed doors. Occasionally doors get opened that I've forgotten what lies behind them. I can be pleasantly surprised by some things I've forgotten about. There are also doors that I know exactly what lies behind them, and wish to leave them shut. Though perhaps opening them and letting some light in might heal the pain. And of course there are those doors that hold memories that when I need to remind myself that all is not lost, I can run down the hall and open them up as well.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 5/8/11

2011-05-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

"Nicolet watched a butterfly open and close its wings on a cannon ball."(F.Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.118)

In everyday life we get to see things that at first glance do not seem like much. Yet the more we think about them, the stranger the contrast, the more it leads to a deeper thought.

The above quote at first felt like a throw away sentence to me. Alright I said, I'm sure I've seen butterflies sitting on statues, benches or something else. But on a deeper level what a contrast. A butterfly seemingly very delicate, often beautiful, just flitting around, not going in a particularly straight line. I am sure they have a specific purpose in the circle of life other than to delight my eyes. And there it is contrasted with a cannon ball. Hard, non-feeling, quite destructive when used. More than likely sitting dormant as a statue in the quote.

A butterfly brings images of spring and life. The cannon ball, of death and some faded glory.

And I suppose that the reality of all of our lives can be encapsulated in that contrasting image. A butterfly, free to fly, a cannonball destined for a hardened purpose. I know which side of me I like better.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 5/7/11

2011-05-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

"The joke of it is that often it is the preacher who as steward of the wildest mystery of them all is the one who hangs back, prudent, cautious, hopelessly mature and wise to the last when no less than Saint Paul tells him to be a fool for Christ's sake, no less than Christ tells him to be a child for his own and the kingdoms sake."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" pp.116-117)

I'm not a good judge of my preaching. People tell me they find my sermons interesting, that they always give them something to think about. And of course there's always the nice sermon Father, really enjoyed the message. I have been told that I clearly don't know Jesus once by a Baptist. I didn't know what to do with that one.

I probably am cautious and prudent in my preaching because there is a part of me that doesn't wish to offend from the pulpit. I rarely give any political opinions and try to find a reasonably common experience from the bible readings appointed that day.

I certainly have been known to be funny and a little bit crazy from time to time, but not in a way that would divide the hearers.

Could I see a time when I might take bolder steps in my preaching. Maybe. But I try to know what my congregation needs to hear and what they can bear.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 5/6/11

2011-05-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

"Who can say when or how it will be that something easters up out of the dimness to remind us of a time before we were born and after we will die?"(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 116)

I saw that phrase easters up and had to pause for a moment and think about it. I'm pretty familiar with the big "E" Easter, the day and the season, but have never seen it used as a verb. For me it brings the idea of something coming back to life that hadn't been for awhile. either in thought or deed.

I know that hearing a song on the radio can often take me back to a different time in my life. And at the same time, because my musical taste hasn't changed much it also is a part of my present. Certainly pictures do this. When you see an old photo and try to recall what was going on. And I suppose just about any of our senses do this for us.

It is part of that bringing the past into the present. I try not to make it an escape from my present back to something in the past, that probably wasn't as grand as I recall, but still important.

Having just been back to my seminary, I'd have to say that it didn't have the same hold on me. I saw some familiar faces, but not a lot of them. The buildings are the same physically but are not the same emotionally.
I hope this summer to visit my college in Iowa. I understand that much has changed physically. It will be interesting to see if being there easters anything up.

Blessings,
Ed