Monday, July 16, 2012

Relfections for 7/16/12

Imperfections, setbacks, and sins, then, are all part of the striving, they're all grist for the mill. They're the place where we are destined to meet God-in the gap. Wherever there is that unfinishedness, there is the call to holiness: in the kitchen, the office, the hospital room, or the supermarket. Wherever there is that sense of striving, there is a saint in the making. From this point of view, then, there is no such thing as an 'obstacle' to sainthood. Saints may be preoccupied with raising a family and balancing a checkbook; we may be strugling with our too crowded daily schedule, our short temper, or our jealousy; we may have to live with a painful experience in the past or a physical disability. No matter what, it is through and in the experience of our imperfections that God wants to meet us.-(Speaking to the Soul Vicki K. Black, p.167-168)

As I read that quote this morning it hit me how much of my life always feels like unfinishedness. That there is a part of me that will always have a voice in the back of my head saying what if.....?
That voice can be a melancholy reminder of past events that never lived up to what I'd hoped for.  Places where with a time machine I'd go back and do something different.

Even in my current position, I know that there are things that should happen that don't. Sometimes because I can't muster enough energy or enthusiasm for it, but I do find the time to dream about the what if of them.

The frustration does come from how much "busyness" there is that distracts me from following my heart all the time.  There are enough daily responsibilities and out of nowhere emergencies that keep things on the back burner.

I also know that one of the description of my ENFP is a feeling of constant restlessness to which I fight daily and when I win that battle I get things done. 

I do know that somehow as long as I keep striving to do what needs to get done, and allow for some dreaming of what might still be, the events in the past that cannot be re-written can just be faded memories rather than a millstone around my neck.

What do you struggle with that keeps you from following your dreams, of being all that you can be?  How do we make room and shed light on those dreams to see what they might become, or perhaps what they really should be.

Blessings,
Ed.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Reflections for 7/15/12

I've never been a good dancer.  I can waltz, sort of, mainly because I can't count to three.  But dancing at a party or a wedding, I become a wall flower and an observer.  It's kind of funny considering how much I love music, all kinds of music.  I like a good riff and a strong beat. I find it energizing and something deep down inside always seems to want to break through my fears of being laughed at when that's not the response I'm looking for.

One of the scripture passages that was read in my church spoke of David dancing and basically carrying on because the ark of God had been brought back into Jerusalem.  The ancient Israelites symbol of God's presence back with the people.

I thought about how much when life is good I want to dance for joy, much like David did.  But my inability and my fear of being embarrassed always stop me.  I do know how to enjoy good things and I often feel very blessed, but still not much dancing.

Maybe the reality is that we are always dancing.  Life is one big dance.  There are steps to be taken, there is a rhythm to our lives.  Sometimes the dance is slow and almost intimate, sometimes we can just hang loose and sway, and other times we swirl around like a spinning top randomly knocking into people.

So what gets your feet moving?  Where is the music in your life that makes you dance for joy, or at least gets your feet tapping and your head bobbing?  I hope there's something that resembles a dance that is a response to good things happening and not just a please notice me moment.

Blessings,
Ed

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Reflections for 7/7/2012-

To defend or not to defend that was the question I asked myself on Wednesday, the 4th of July.  Defend what you ask, why my pie eating championship belt of course.  For those who don't know I live in a small town with a great traditional 4th of July.  Four years ago, the Lions Club, who run the festivities that day, added a pie eating contest.  Which I won in my age group.

It was fun, and yes as a foodaholic, it played to my strengths.  I won the next two years and last year, even had fun with it by pretending I was the pro wrestler of pie eaters.  Then came this year.  Did I want to participate again?  Frankly my heart was no longer into it, nor my attempts at eating like a normal person were also calling for my non participation, and when the time came to sign up I passed.  I disappointed some who had come to see me as some sort of tradition.

What I ultimately realized is that there comes a time when you have to stop doing things, that you don't actually have to do.  Kenny Rogers once sang, "you got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run." This for me was knowing when to walk away.  It might have been fun, I may even have won, but I didn't have to and my heart really wasn't into it.

Knowing when to walk away is hard. In life we are often faced with choices about ending something, and they aren't always as trivial as a pie eating contest.  They can often be much harder, staying in a dead end job, or a horrible relationship. Perhaps not really facing our own realities of behaviors we are engaging in that are killing us spiritually and sometimes even physically.

At the moment I'm not faced with two many cross roads in my life.  I hope that when the time comes to make more monumental decisions I can have the grace to know which choice to make.

Blessings,
Ed