Monday, January 31, 2011

Reflections for 1/31/11

"When friends speak overmuch of times gone by, often it's because they sense their present time is turning them from friends to strangers." (F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.27)

One of the hardest things about reunions I think is the conversations. For folks who you haven't seen in 10, 20 or 50 years, unless you're ready to really listen, the temptation will be to go back to the familiar, recall the "good old days," even if they weren't so good.

Part of me wants to hear what others remember about me, and another part realizes that who I am now is somewhat different from the Ed of old.  I'd rather not keep someone stuck in my image of what I remember them being like in high school.  First off it isn't fair to them, and second how I relate to them now might be very different than it was all those years ago.

I think the more interesting conversations would be to really hear what someone has been doing with themselves lately. How have they changed? What are they doing with their lives? 

If the music weren''t so loud at these events, I might find some new friends in the old familiar places.

Blessings,
Ed

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Reflections for 1/30/11

"It speaks in a way they cannot avoid hearing for themselves, which is the awesome power of words because although there are times when they shield us from reality, at other times they assail us with it."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 27)

Words have gotten a lot of press lately. Our nation is in a debate about what is appropriate to say or not say. Are certain words inflammatory by nature, or is their power solely in the ear of the hearer and how their mind or lack there of processes what is heard.

There are two ways that we encounter words. There is the written word and there is the spoken word, which of course can be an articulation of the written.  Written words with no voice are completely open to interpretation.  Why do you think a book such as the Bible can have so many readers who can come to such different conclusions?

Spoken words have even more power to be misunderstood. The tone of voice that the speaker uses often conveys more than the actual words that are said.  It is also true that my own mood will affect how I hear what someone is saying.

There are words that will challenge us, and sometimes even strike down the false sense of self. There are also words that can affirm and build up.  And depending upon the importance of the person who says things to us, especially in relationship to us, will make some words even more powerful than when they are first written or spoken.

Blessings,
Ed

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Reflections for 1/29/11

"There would be a strong argument for saying that much of the most powerful preaching of our time is the preaching of the poets, playwrights, novelists because it is often they better than the rest of us who speak with awful honesty about the absence of God in the world and about the storm of his absence, both without and within, which because it is unendurable unlivable, drives us to look to the eye of the storm."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.25)

There are times when I have certainly read a book or a poem, seen a play or a movie and said, wow that really had something to say. Certainly more than one sermon preached in a church has drawn from sources that aren't intentionally religious and yet speak so eloquently on the some of the core topics that faith usually addresses.

And perhaps it is easier for those outside of the religious establishment to speak of the sensing of the absence of God, because those of us with religious convictions aren't supposed to have doubts. We are supposed to see God everywhere and at all times. Or at least that's what others project onto us.

The real truth is that much like those secular writers and even some of the Biblical writers we also know from experience when God feels distant to us or even absent.  It is when life is coming on stronger than the most violent weather phenomenon.

And yet as a person of faith I do know that when I'm caught in that storminess that often is a part of being alive, by facing the eye and finding God in it.  As  I recall the eye is that calm between.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 1/28/11

"God's coming is always unforeseen, I think, and the reason, if I had to guess, is that if he gave us anything much in the way of advanced warning, more often than not we would have made ourselves scarce long before he got there."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 25)

I saw a car recently in a parking lot, that had the exact date this year of the rapture and the end of the world. I inwardly laugh when I see what I believe to be something so utterly ridiculous and non-scriptural.  I didn't see the owner of the car to ask them what would allow them to make such a bold statement.  It probably would come down to some special revelation they'd been given, or something along those lines, which I wouldn't be inclined to believe either.

I find in scripture only the admonition that we cannot know the when.  I've never thought that we can't know because we'd get out of Dodge if we knew.  I've thought it more along the lines of how we'd do what we feel like doing, even those things we know we shouldn't do and then attempt to get back on track a couple of days or weeks ahead.

I don't know when Jesus is returning.  I believe he will some day. Maybe in my lifetime, maybe not.  I can't freeze in place waiting, but I can attempt to live my life as though I expect it at any given moment.

Blessings,
Ed

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Reflections for 1/27/11

"Faith, hope, love. Those are their names of course, those three-as words so worn out, but as realities so rich."(F.Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 24)

These three words of course have been grouped together most famously by Paul in the 13th Chapter of 1 Corinthians.  He of course says that love is the greatest of these, but all three abide.

In some ways faith seems worn out. There are folks for whom faith is very important. There are also folks who are quite disillusioned with faith. And there is a third group who neither embrace or attack faith, it just isn't relevant.  Faith for me is like an old comfortable sweater in some ways. I'm used to it, I'm quite comfortable with it.  I also know that my faith has become richer as I've gotten to know people who practice the Christian faith in other denominations. It has grown richer in knowing and listening to the faith journeys of non-Christians as well.

Hope also can seen worn out, especially in a world as cynical and jaded as ours is.  Where we talk much more of what's wrong than with what believe to be possible.  Yet again for me hope is incredibly rich.  It can be the one impetus to keep on keeping on, in spite of the cynicism and negativity.

Love also can be worn out. As a word it gets thrown around so much as to lose its umph if you will. Yet the richness of love that I experience daily keeps it fresh for me.  I have the love for and from my family. I have the love for and from God. I have the love for and from my church.  I have a love for my country.  I have a love for food too. And it is all of those ways of experiencing and expressing love that keeps life fresh and worth living.

Blessings,
Ed

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Reflections for 1/26/11

"I started going to church regularly, and what was farcical about it was not that  I went but my reason for going, which was simply that on the same block where  I lived there happened to be a church with a preacher I had heard of and that I had nothing all that much better to do with my lonely Sundays."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.23)

I've always gone to church. I don't know that I've ever actually thought about why.  Certainly it could be argued that from birth through High School, being a priest's kid had a lot to do with it. Though I don't think my father counted on his families perfect attendance to validate him as a priest.  I'll admit that I enjoyed Sunday School and was an acolyte and sang in the Jr. choir.  So I was never just sitting there bored and grew up in a church where kids could participate fully.

In High School, I still wanted to go. Was doing the same activities and now there was even Youth Group, which at my church was active and vital. I even got to be a leader on the Diocesan Level, a little foreshadowing perhaps. Again though I didn't feel I had to be there. I just wanted to be.

College is often one of the dropping out points for folks.  Especially if they have felt required to go to church. No longer under the watchful eye of parents, sleeping in on Sunday became sleep time, or recovery time depending on what you did Saturday night.  For me it was different. I still wanted to go and I was fortunate that a terrific Episcopal Church, St. Paul's Grinnell, Iowa, with a great priest, Bob Towner, was just across the street from the campus.  That and a great Canturbury Club group kept my faith and my church going ways alive.

My first year out of college I still sought faith community. I found a church St. George's Newburgh NY, and really just wanted to go to 8 am. One time I went to the 10 am service, which in most Episcopal Churches has music.  The Rector heard me singing and suddenly I was in the choir.

Now of course I'm a priest. I once joked with my grandfather that I was going to church anyway, might as well get paid.  I will say that I think I would still be going if I weren't a priest.

But why?  For me it continues to be that when I add some structure to my routines, have some level of accountability I do better.  I could pray without going to church, but having a community to do it with, makes it more enjoyable and makes me more consistent. 

I feel certain that even in retirement I'll still go. What will be the criteria?  Good worship will be essential, do I leave feeling energized.  Is there involvement in outreach to the local community?  How are children treated in that place?  Those are the questions I'll be asking in time.  For now I'm just thankful that wherever I've been, I've found a spiritual home.

Blessings,
Ed

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Reflections for 1/25/11

"To journey for the sake of saving our own lives is little by little to cease to live in any sense that really matters, even to ourselves, because it is only by journeying for the world's sake-even when the world bores and sickens and scares you half to death that little by little we start to come alive."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.22)

One of my favorite books as a kid was "My Side of the Mountain."  In it a boy runs away from home and sets up his new life in the Catskill Mountains inside a tree. He lives off the land, adopts a hawk and seems quite content. Who think like us, act like us and look like us.  Unfortunately the world is far more complicated and diverse than that.

One of the best ways I've found not to be overwhelmed by the world, yet still engaged in it is to think and talk about what I am for, instead of constantly what I'm against.  Our society frames so many conversations in what we're against that it is a wonder anything ever gets done and why we seem stuck.  When we think and act on what we can do, not what we want stopped and engage everyone, not just our peers, then the journey of life has greater variety and a real purpose for being.

Blessings,
Ed

Monday, January 24, 2011

Reflections for 1/24/11

"I no longer remember what I answered him either or what impression his words made on me except that they took me entirely by surprise. No, I must have told him. I had never considered such a thing. and that was the end of it except that out of all the events that took place during those five years of teaching at Lawrenceville, it is one of the few that I remember distinctly like an old photograph preserved by accident between the pages of a book."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 22)

Can you remember ever having a conversation with someone, that at the time seemed to be inconsequential but may have been the actually been the first sounding of what would happen later on for you.

I've tried to recall if I ever had any of those deep conversations with anyone about being a priest.  Honestly I can't recall anyone ever saying to me, "have you ever thought of being a priest."  Some might argue that being a priest's kid might have had some influence, and there is probably some truth in that. But I do not recall ever sitting down with my dad and having a vocational conversation. 

The closest thing I remember may have been some conversations with the priest in Grinnell, but they ended before they could get any traction because he was called to a different parish.  I know that I give him credit for planting the seed, or at least giving it the first round of fertilizer that it needed.

I find myself longing for another vocational conversation.  I'm not looking to leave the priesthood, but wonder what might be the next chapter in this vocation.  Finding someone to have that conversation with has been frustrating.  Perhaps I need someone to say have you ever considered.....

Perhaps you the reader have had that kind of a conversation with someone.  When you look at what you are doing now with your life, did anyone say to you "have you considered....."

I know that one of the things I've tried to do, is ask that question of others, who I see as potential priests.  Have you done any recruiting or mentoring of the next generation? Who could you plant a seed of thought with now, who later might say, I remember that conversation we had, thanks.

Blessings,
Ed

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Reflections for 1/23/11

"All I can say now is that something small but unforgettable happened inside me as the result of that chance meeting-some small flickering out of the truth that, in the long urn, there can be no real joy for anybody until there is joy finally for us all-and I can take no credit for it."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.21)

I have certainly seen moments in life where one sees someone else in worse shape than them and it pulls them out of their pity party.  I also know that it can be a real downer when something has gone very right for you and you want to share the good news and the person you most want to share it with has just had their world cave in. And you take a back seat. Even though it might be the right thing to do it still smarts.

Do I really believe that any joy I may feel is incomplete until everyone has joy in their life?  I think that would almost be joyless.  I do believe however that I cannot ignore the pain and suffering of others just because things might be going well for me at the moment.  And that I may be called to help those folks find some way to reconnect to that source of joy that is available to us all.

Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 1/22/11

"Through my revulsion at my own weaknesses as well as through such satisfaction as I had in my own strengths, it seems to me now that a power from beyond time was working to achieve its own aim through my aimless life in time as it works through the lives of all of us and all our times."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 20)

Whenever I engage in self assessment, it is amazing to me how much of the data I produce focuses on my weaknesses or what I don't do well. There is generally little room for even acknowledging any strengths I might have, or things that I've done well.

I have the same problem when people are telling me something about myself. I always hear the criticism, very rarely the praise. If I do hear the praise I often don't believe it or feel worthy of it.  Really quite silly.

When I'm truly open to possibilities that are beyond my own sense of self, it is amazing how much movement there is.  Those things that are weaknesses get tweaked enough to be useful. Those strengths get built upon.  Most of this doesn't happen overnight mind you. And sometimes the change in direction comes unexpectedly.  What I feel confident about is that most of this is not actually my own doing.  And I feel confirmed in the fact that I am still a work in progress.

Blessings,
Ed

Friday, January 21, 2011

Reflections for 1/21/11

"When a man leaves home, he leaves behind some scrap of his heart. Is it not so, Godric...It's the same with a place a man is going to. Only then he sends a scrap of his heart ahead."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 19)

As I thought about this quote and what I would reflect about it a song came into my head: "There are places I'll remember All my life, though some have changed Some forever, not for better Some have gone and some remain All this places have their moments With lovers and friends I still can recall Some are dead and some are living In my life, I've loved them all."(Lennon and McCartney)

In my life I've lived in 8 different places. I don't have any memories of the first place, an apartment in Edison, NJ, though I've seen the pictures.  There was a 4-5 year period in Olathe Kansas. I have some memories of that place, mostly because we went back a few times to visit, friends that my parents had made.  A very long stretch was in Metuchen, and I certainly left a scrap of my heart there. And yet when I go back, which granted isn't often, I don't feel the same nostalgia towards it.  There are good and bad memories there, and some of the things that I enjoy in life now got their start during that time in my life.  I doubt that outside of myself I left much of a mark on that town. 

There was the four years in Grinnell Iowa, a much bigger scrap of my heart I left there.  I loved those four years, and I miss that campus community greatly.  And even though I might not recognize the place now, a lot of new buildings from what I gather, I do hope to go back there perhaps even this summer just to drive through and see what it has become.  Again I don't know that outside of myself Grinnell College would hold Ed Zelley up as one it's super alums.  Next stop was one year in Newburgh NY, not much of a scrap of my heart was left there, but a big hole in my heart was filled there.

Three years in Cambridge Mass, and again I left a scrap of my heart on that campus. I loved my time there, perhaps not as much as Grinnell, but it was still important. I don't know if I left much of an impression on the place, there are more important people that have walked that campus than I.

The next to the last scrap was Haddonfield NJ.  There are scraps of my heart there for sure, and I do believe I left some noticeable marks on that place. They may eventually fade, but I'm still warmly welcomed and remembered when I venture back.

Now my heart is here in Wenonah.  I think I am leaving little pieces of my heart here each day. I haven't departed yet and I have no idea when that will happen.  Hopefully I will remember my time here fondly, I'm sure I will. I hope that when I'm gone, what I left will be noticed in a positive way.

Where have you left scraps of your heart?  Was leaving them behind hard and painful, or just a natural part of walking your earthly pilgrimage?

Blessings,
Ed

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Reflections for 1/20/11

"I could see for a moment how if you ever took truly to heart the ultimate goodness and joy of things, even at their bleakest, the need to praise someone or something for it would be so great that you might even have to go out and speak of it to the birds of the air."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 18)

I've never actually bottomed out. I certainly have had moments where I could see the bottom approaching faster than I would like, but I've never actually hit it.  I will have to admit that on the descent downward I find it very hard to imagine saying thank you Lord.  Certainly when the metaphorical bungee chord stops the descent and we start heading back up it becomes easier to say so. And when the up down, up down cycle ends, even briefly, I can see some of the goodness in the descent.

Often we are told to look even in our worst moments and seek the goodness and joy in them. Usually we're able to do this only in comparison to someone else's troubles. I don't know if that is all that helpful actually.
Perhaps there is some goodness and joy in the bleakness in helping me to stop doing whatever is causing the problem for me.  There is a joy and goodness in the presence of God that let's you go only so far.  That there is a goodness and joy in Christ, that says things like "fear not," and "neither do I condemn you."

Blessings,
Ed

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Reflections for 1/19/11

"And though I think I knew even then that finding that self and being that self and protecting and nurturing and enjoying that self was not the 'everything' I called it in the poem, by and large it was everything that, to me, really mattered. That, in any event, was the surface I floated on and in many ways float on still as to one degree or another we all of us both do and must lest otherwise we get lost or drown in the depths. But to lose track of those depths to the extent that i was inclined to- to lose track of the deep needs beyond our own needs and those of our closest friends , to lose track of the deep mystery beyond or at the hear t of the mystery of our separate selves- is to lose track also of what our journey is a journey toward and of the sacredness and high adventure of our journey. Nor, if we have our eyes, ears, hearts open at all, does life allow us to lose track of the depths for long."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" pp. 17-18)

I have found it to be true that my focus in life seems to be a constant back and forth between caring about the world outside of myself and caring about Ed.  There are some who would say that I make Ed take a backseat all the time.  That isn't entirely true.  There are often times that I stop and take a good hard look at myself. It happens particularly in times of stress, burning out, and/or frustration. 

Don't get me wrong, I sorta like Ed. There are times that I wish he'd be quiet, not constantly needing to play the court jester role.  There are also times that I can get sucked into the drama of the moment, the concerns of the greater world, the justice issues, the ideological debates. Again when they get to be too much, I jump back into "let's look at Ed mode."

There are of course folks  who spend all their time self promoting and navel gazing, paying no attention to the needs of others, so long as their needs are being met and kept in the spot light.  There are also those who swim so much in the deeper waters of issues, that you begin to wonder what they might be avoiding at home.  As human beings we are reminded that there are three loves in our lives, love of God, love of neighbor and love of self. When any of those three gets ignored we become out of balance. And then we tend to overcompensate. Perhaps a better image would be a like having three triangles lying on top of a one of those toys that doesn't fall over, it moves to one side or the other every now and then, but never gets stuck in one place.

Blessings,
Ed

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Reflections for 1/18/11

"'You have a way with words,' my instructor, the critic R.P. Blackmur, told me, and although at the time it was like getting the Pulitzer Prize, it seems to me now that there was also a barb in his remark. I wrote poems with punch lines, had a way of making words ring out and dance a little, but there was little if any of my life's blood in my poems. I was writing for my teachers, for glory. I had not yet started trying to write either out of myself very much or for myself, partly, of course, because I had only a very dim sense of who that self was."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 16)

I laughed when I read that opening sentence from Buechner. It brought up from my memories being told something similar by a professor.  Dr. Smith, while trying to help me become a better writer of History papers said this to me: "Ed, when I read your writing I can hear you speak."  Ouch.  This may be why I shunned writing sermons and just talk.  I will say that writing these reflections for two years has given me a little more confidence. Yet, I bet if Dr. Smith were reading them he'd say the same thing again.

I've been told I'm a good communicator, preacher etc.  I hope that's true. I at least know that my congregation thinks so or I'd be out of a job.  I also realize that my style might not translate to any church.
What I hope I convey is what I believe, what I think, what I feel.  I do try to put a little of me or what's going on with me in my writing, preaching etc.  And maybe that's what makes it authentic for the hearer.  You don't get a whole lot or any at all of other people's thoughts.

I also know that it in speaking and writing, it has become easier to get a little more focus as to who I am, what I value and where I think I might be going.  I do believe that when we take literal or figurative notes about how we experience the world around us, and how those experiences shape us, we may still see through a mirror dimly.  Yet over time, the image gets a little less fuzzy, the more reflecting we do.

Blessings,
Ed

Monday, January 17, 2011

Reflections for 1/17/11

"Words not only convey something, but are something; that words have color, depth, texture of their own, and the power to evoke vastly more than they mean; that words can be used not merely to make things clear, make things vivid, make things interesting and whatever else, but to make things happen inside the one who reads them or hears them."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 15)

Today is the Martin Luther King Jr. Federal Holiday.  When I was in elementary school we didn't have the day off.  I can remember sitting in the gym watching film of this icon in American History, capturing the great speeches for which he was know.  As a preacher he knew how to use words very effectively. He of course also knew how to speak passionately, animating those words.  I would imagine that those who heard him live got more from his speeches than those of us who have read them, or watched the the tape.

I find it interesting how folks like Dr. King or the founding Fathers and others as well share something in common, they all have left an impression on others and everyone seems to want to claim them as one of their people.  I know that both political parties want to assert that he was them, or represents what they stand for. Both can probably find words that he said that affirm their conclusion.

While it is true that words have a dictionary definition, they rarely get to stay that neutral.  I can read a passage from scripture and hear something vastly different than another person, not because the words changed but because we are not the same.  Those words interact with our own experiences, our own biases, and take a life of their own.

Jesus said that "we would be held accountable for every careless word we've uttered."  He understood the power of words, that you can't just fall back on "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."  We get caught up in reacting to our language when something awful occurs.  The Tuscon shooting is a great example of this.  Everyone more interested in blaming others and their rhetoric while failing to see how their rhetoric played just as much a role.  We'll wrestle as a society with this issue for another week or so and then fall back into the same pattern, I regrettably think.  As long as I can fool myself into believing that words are nothing more than ink on a page, I will continue to be overwhelmed by how often destructive actions occur because someone thought they were just words.

Blessings,
Ed

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Reflections for 1/16/11

"When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.14)

If you are reading this reflection, there is a good chance that you got the link via Facebook.  I currently have over 600 "friends" on Facebook. I'll guess that probably a little more than half are people I have physically met.  There are some who I know via different list serves, and a few who were friended when I was playing Facebook games and need to increase my mafia size.

If I were to go through the half that I actually have met, I would probably have some memory of them.  I agree with Buechner that all encounters with others leave some sort of a mark.  I also know that some of my memories of folks, might not accurately reflect who they are now, or what they've become.  My hunch is the same would be true about me as well.

I can remember going back to my college reunion after only 5 years. I had just finished seminary and was about to be ordained. Going back to college where people remembered me as the guy with the "Heavy Metal Radio Show" they struggled to relate to the Ed that was soon to become a clergy person. For me I hadn't changed that much, but for those who only knew that one part it seemed like I had done a 180 degree turn.

One of the harder things to do, when reconnecting with folks from the past is to actually take more of an interest in their present.  If we have a past that we aren't as thrilled about, it's nice to not have to go back very often.  Of course there is also the cases where folks past were awesome.and their present is not so hot and they live as the Springsteen song put it their "glory days."

And as to his last part, the part about remembering deceased, I know this is true.  I can still here my grandfather's voice, know his face and while I haven't talked to him in a long time, I know where he left a favorable and lasting impression on me.

Blessings,
Ed

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Reflections for 1/15/11

"To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do-to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst0is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still."(F.Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.13)

Our country's greatest lore is around the idea of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. Nobody owes you anything, and to ask for help is to possibly emasculate yourself.  While there are certain things in life, I need to do for myself, I do find having helpers and companions along for the journey makes it more interesting and a  lot less frustrating.

Today I went to the gym. I did  my workout without my trainer, but it was not nearly as interesting or fulfilling. He doesn't do any of the work for me, but his encouragement is incredibly important to me. I feel I literally have a better workout with him.

There is a trap in my profession called "lone rangering" and it usually has two disastrous results. First it tends to burn out people like me, makes a bitter.  And it actually stunts the maturation and growth of our churches.  Sharing the load is what makes healthy churches go.

It is hard, especially for us men, to ever ask for help, or directions too.  We risk being seen as failures when we do. And if we are truly aware of ourselves and trusting in our relationships with God, family and friends, the real failure would be to not ask for any help at all, when it is available and people want to do it for you.

Blessings,
Ed

Friday, January 14, 2011

Reflections for 1/14/11

"God speaks to us through our lives, we often too easily say. Something speaks anyway, spells out some godly or godforsaken meaning to us through the alphabet of our years, but often it takes many years and many further spellings out before we start to glimpse, or think we do, a little of what that meaning is. Even then we glimpse it only dimly, like the first trace of dawn on the rim of night, and even then it is a meaning that we cannot fix and be sure of once and for all because it always incarnate meaning and thus as alive and changing as we are ourselves alive and changing."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" pp.12-13)

As I take a look at where my life is now, what I'm doiug, what things I enjoy, they are certainly not what I would have pictured 1/2 my life ago.  I think I wanted to be a lawyer when I was getting ready to head off to college. Pre-law major, a little Poli-Sci on the side.  It took two years of classes in that discipline to know that while there are aspects of that career idea I would have been good at, and spoke to me then, this wasn't it.  After working as a Tour Guide for my college, I was certain that Admission's work was what I wanted to do. I could sell the benefits of a small liberal arts college. I even had a 10 year plan in mind.  And off I went, 6 months later realizing that again, some of my strengths play well into that field, however, I really only wanted to work in the Admissions Office of a small liberal arts college in Iowa, that I had called home for four years.  So then came following a call to the priesthood in the Episcopal Church, something I have been doing for almost 17 years.  I still believe I'm doing the right thing. I'm where God called me to be. But I also know that what I value in ministry is not the same as it once was.  I also have no idea what I might want to do next in this profession. 

Really it still comes down to listening for the voice of God, spelling it out for you.  There are times when the word will still be the same, and that's fine.  The real question will be when a new word starts to reveal itself one letter at a time, how long will it take to recognize that word and call it out and move on.

Blessings,
Ed

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Reflections for 1/13/11

"The people we love have two sides to them. One is the side they love you back with, and the other is the side that, even when they do not mean to, they can sting you with like a wasp."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.12)

My hunch is almost everyone has experienced this at some point in their life.  A parent who makes some caustic remark, a friend who talks behind our back, a child that talks back, a spouse that has some criticism of you they feel called to share. Unfortunately these things usually are occurring when the other party is miffed at something else, and you're the most immediate target.  I believe it is also the case that most people that we love trust the relationship enough to believe we won't go away.

I also know that it is true of me, that sometimes my sarcasm can get the better of me.  That I am just as capable as the next person of talking in a mocking or condescending way, even with those that I really do care about.

The messages can get confusing. Which is the way someone really feels about us. Is it the loving accepting person that we experience, or that caustic sharp tongued individual. We know which one we hope it is and would rather be around. But we can't always be sure.

Blessings,
Ed

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Reflections for 1/12/11

"'Never question the truth of what you fail to understand,' the white pearl said when Rinkintink consulted it for the first time, 'for the world is filled with wonders.' It was a great wisdom indeed and has proved greatly helpful many times since."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.11)

I wonder how many times there are concepts or opinions that I didn't understand that instead of investigating further or asking more questions, I chose to ignore or dismiss?  If my truth is only what I understand or agree with, I doubt its much of a truth at all.

What I have experienced is that when I engage someone I don't agree with, attempt to understand how they've come to their conclusions, I may not completely change my own mind, but I will have a better understanding of where they are coming from, and realize perhaps some of the flaws in my own truths.

I do believe there is truth to be found. It usually is running between the multitude of opinions out there. Occasionally tapping you on the shoulder saying hey I'm over here, and as you head in that direction arriving at a new understanding you get to stay there for a while until it again calls out no I'm over here, and you move again.

Opinions and conclusions that stay fixed and never move in spite of new information are how ideologues are born.

Blessings,
Ed

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Reflections for 1/11/11

"There is still a third possibility which is perhaps the happiest of them all, and that is that once I have put away my album for good, you may in the privacy of the heart take out the album of your own life and search it for the people and places you have loved and learned from yourself, and for those moments in the past-many of them half forgotten-through which you glimpsed, however dimly and fleetingly, the sacredness of you own journey."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.10)

Last summer my son and I went to see the band Nickelback. They have a song called "Photograph" with the following refrain: "Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye. Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye."

During this song they kept showing random photographs on the big screen. I like looking at old picture albums. There are albums that may be floating around my parents house that have the mandatory naked baby bathtub pictures that my mom would threaten to show to my girlfriends.  It is fun to see the different hair and clothing styles.  Of course some of them are quite embarrassing.
 
I have a lot of photos from the early days of my marriage and early years of my kids life as well. Someday I should put them into an album of some kind before they wind up sticking together.  And now of course everything is digital and on the computer. If I were smart I'd back those pictures onto a disc.
 
Photographs are important because they capture moments that will not come back, they help us to remember and remind us that we do exist.  They also can remind us of people who were once important to us and who may not be alive anymore, or whose names now escape us.
 
I don't have pictures of every person who has played a role in the development of who I am. I wish I did.  I don't have a picture of every place I've ever seen, again I wish I did.  But even without a literal photograph, I am surprised how much of the Kodachrome in my head still is quite clear.
 
Blessings,
Ed

Reflections for 1/10/11

"A crazy, holy grace I have called it. Crazy because who ever could have predicted it? Who can ever foresee the crazy how and when and where of a grace that wells up out of the lostness and pain of the world and of our own inner worlds?"(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 9)

Most of us know the hymn "Amazing Grace." I can relate to amazing grace. I do find that the notion of a crazy, holy grace also speaks to my experience of those moments in life that were grace filled.  They are crazy, because how things worked themselves out could not have been predicted. If they could be that wouldn't be grace that would be normal.

Grace is the moments when all is lost and you're about ready to throw in the towel and let despair take over, yet something stops you. And all of a sudden a different option appears and it is exactly what you needed to have, see or hear right then right now.

It is grace that allows me not to get overwhelmed by the nonsense that goes on in the world outside of myself, not in a numbing way, but in a way that makes me want to do something about it.

Hopefully you to have experienced moments of crazy, holy and truly amazing grace. If you have you'll never forget it. And you'll hope to experience it again and again.

Blessings,
Ed

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Reflections for 1/9/11

"The secret that we share I cannot tell in full. But this much I will tell. What's lost is nothing to what's found, and all the death that ever was, set next to life, would scarcely fill a cup."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 9)

I do wonder why it is that most folks would rather talk about what they've lost.  We seem stuck sometimes in what we no longer have, and lose sight of what we have right now.  I know that I am not the same person I was 27 years ago. I've lost that physique. But I've found in the following 27 years a person who is much happier, more relaxed and can reclaim some of what was lost physically, but not all of it, because I don't need to.

We do seem to be surrounded by death. Acts of violence reported daily, obituaries a regular feature in newspapers.  Yet we often fail to see the signs of life all around us. There aren't daily birth announcements in papers. We rarely hear of random acts of kindness in the news.

And yet all the negative thinking when compared to what is possible when we compare it with what is good does not measure up.  The secret of course that is hard to explain is how to live with the negative while not letting it define and control you.

Blessings,
Ed

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Reflections for 1/8/11

"He is our pilot, our guide, our true, fast, final friend and judge, but often when we need him the most, he seems farthest away because he will always have gone on ahead, leaving only the faint print of his feet on the path to follow. And the world blows leaves across the path. And branches fall. And darkness falls."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" pp. 7-8)

There certainly are a lot of ways to describe one's relationship with Christ.  I certainly like the hymn "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."  I also know that sometimes our lips say things that are not always what we are feeling or experiencing at that moment.

When we look to Christ to rescue us, I do think we often feel more distance than closeness.  It is hard to get physical connection with God.  That idea of Christ having gone on ahead, showing the way, leaving footprints or markers to guide our path does work for me.  I do see life as journey. And I do believe that the human journey is one Christ has walked before. 

Yet I also know that there are other things that can block my seeing those footprints, those markers.  And sometimes I have to clear the debris from my path, look around again for the footprints that I know, and start walking again.

Blessings,
Ed

Friday, January 7, 2011

Reflections for 1/7/11

"The temptation is always to reduce life to size. A bowl of cherries. A rat race. Amino acids. Even to call it a mystery smacks of reductionism. It is the mystery."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 6)

When I first read the above quote, I recalled immediately the Erma Bombeck book If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What am I doing in the Pits.  And of course the famous line from Forrest Gump, "mom always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never knew what you were going to get."

The other two examples given, a rat race and amino acids seem to me to be a much more negative view of life.  But what about life as the mystery?

For me I would see that as approaching each day as if it were a mystery to be solved. One that I need to pay attention to the clues all around me. To face the unknown of each day, living out the command to Joshua, "be strong and courageous."  However unlike a mystery that eventually gets solved, life isn't like that for me. It is a slowly evolving and unfolding each moment, big or small.  Sometimes just when you think you have it figured out, a new twist comes along and the journey goes on.

Perhaps when I die, I will truly understand what this life was about. But for the moment, I'll have to live moment by moment, enjoying the cherries while spitting out the pits.  And while I never know what I'll get in that box of chocolates, I should know that occasionally I'm going to encounter some nuts.

Blessings,
Ed

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Reflections for 1/6/11

"For all their great wisdom, they overlooked the one gift that the child would have been genuinely pleased to have someday, and that was the gift of themselves and their love."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" pp.5-6)

Today is of course the Feast of the Epiphany. The day when the church remembers the visit of the 3 wise men, kings or whatever they were.  Bringing the gifts gold, frankincense and myrrh, each with their deep symbolic meaning of what the church believes about Jesus, and also conveniently fulfilling the prophecy in Isaiah.

They aren't named in the Bible, but tradition would later add names, and probably created some sort of discipleship out of them later. The author Christopher Moore in his book, The Gospel According to Biff, has Jesus and his pal Biff go and find the wise men to figure out who Jesus is.

Certainly all of us like gifts. And the Feast of the Epiphany is a reminder of that fact. Buechner's point though is one worth considering.  How often do we actually replace ourselves our time, our presence with a gift.  We feel so busy that instead of spending quality time with our kids we try to compensate with some material object.

I'm not able to give my sons very much in the way of the latest and greatest stuff. I've tried to give them as much of my time and affection as possible. I don't regret those decisions. Hopefully the gift of my presence in their lives will be something they will come to appreciate.  It doesn't feel like much sometimes, but I do have it to freely give.

Blessings,
Ed

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Reflections for 1/5/10

"Am I daft, or is it true there's no such thing as hours past  and other hours still to pass, but all of them instead are all at once and never gone? Is there no time lost that ever was? Is there no time yet to come that's not here now?"(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.5)

Have you ever said or heard someone say well that's 30 minutes of my life I'm not getting back? We usually say this when we feel we've wasted time, usually attempting to entertain ourselves, or perhaps engaging in a pointless argument.

I think the point of the above quote is that there is no such thing as wasted time.  While things may have happened in the past, they don't stop being real. They may not have the same impact on us, but they are still a part of who we are.

The second part also to me indicates an idea that our future is always in our present. What we decide today, impacts tomorrow and will be a part of our past eventually.

The hours and minutes that become days, which become years, which become lifetimes are not separate strands but are in fact all part of the tapestry that we call our life.  It has events in the past, it has events in the present and will have more in the future. All of them connected and constantly creating the person we ultimately become.

Blessings,
Ed

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Reflections for 1/4/11

"We cannot live our lives constantly looking back, listening back, lest we be turned to pillars of longing and regret, but to live without listening at all is to live deaf to the fullness of the music."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.4)

As I read this quote I was reminded of the story of Lot's wife looking back and being turned into a pillar of salt.  Once we've chosen to move on, we need to move.  Once we feel reasonably certain of a call in a new direction time to face forward, one foot in front of the other.

I do know that when I'm in a rut, or not feeling that optimistic, I do a lot of looking back.  What would be great is if I were doing so to grasp a better time.  Unfortunately I usually send my looking back and listening back attempting to fix what didn't go right the first time.  And indeed I come perilously close to tuning into a pillar of longing and regret.

But whatever those mistakes of the past were, or those longings that can never be fulfilled, I still need to keep listening.  There are new songs to be heard.  There are new variations on old themes. And sometimes you can still hear a song from your past.

Ears open in 2011? I hope so. Not spending too much time on what could have been, but learning to listen for what comes next.

Blessings,
Ed

Monday, January 3, 2011

Reflections for 1/3/11

"Like the Hebrew alphabet, the alphabet of grace has no vowels, and in that sense his words to us are always veiled, subtle, cryptic, so that it is left to us to delve their meaning, to fill in the vowels, for ourselves by means of all the faith and imagination we can muster. God speaks to us in such a way, presumably, not because he chooses to be obscure but because, unlike a dictionary word whose meaning is fixed, the meaning of an incarnate word is the meaning it has for the one it is spoken to, the meaning that becomes clear and effective in our lives only when we ferret it out for ourselves."(F.Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.4)

Anytime I'm in a discussion group of some sort, I find it fascinating to hear what other meanings people got, from a movie, a book, the Bible, or a TV show.

All of us can experience the same event and have it affect us differently. That is how I would understand that idea of an alphabet of grace. 

I also find it to be true that I can read or watch something multiple times and get something new or different from it each time.  I believe this is because where I am in my life, isn't always the same.  What God needs me to hear at that moment may be very different than what I needed to hear three years ago.

Sometimes I can experience something and be clueless at the moment what I was supposed to take from it.  Later on, as the experience has some time to sink in, I begin to see and understand a little more clearly what was going on.

No one can tell us what anything means for us when it comes to encounters with God. We can really only know for ourselves its meaning. When we try to make our experiences universal, we usually get the spelling wrong.

Blessings,
Ed

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Reflections for 1/2/11

"If God speaks anywhere it is into our personal lives that he speaks. Someone we love dies, say. Some unforeseen act of  kindness or cruelty touches the heart or makes the blood run cold. We fail a friend, or a friend fails us, and we are appalled at the capacity we all of us have for estranging the very people in our lives we need the most. Or maybe nothing extraordinary happens at all-just one day following another, helter-skelter, in the manner of days. We sleep and dream. We wake. We work. We remember and forget. We have fun and are depressed. And into the thick of it, or out of the thick of it, at moments of even the most humdrum of our days, God speaks. But what do I mean by saying that God speaks?"(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" pp.2-3)

That's a good question.  If I believe that God speaks what do I mean?  Certainly I hear God speaking through the words in the Bible.  But can I hear God speaking in the everyday moments of my life.  Certainly in the big moments I do. When life throws a curve at me, or a fastball right down the middle of the plate. I get those wow moments.

But it is harder to hear in the thick of the humdrum days. Those days that roll one into another. Those days when I feel I'm sitting on a boat in the middle of a lake and only the small current make the boat move up and down but never forward or backward. On those days can I hear God speaking?

I find that I can only if I fight off the boredom of those days. Instead of seeing them as oh well moments, seeing them as gifts to be able to focus more attentively to my prayer life. To see them as opportunities to listen with a keener ear to what is being said in that still small voice.

It is fascinating how easy I find it to hear God in the chaotic moments, but much harder work when all the days seem the same.

Blessings,
Ed

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Reflections for 1/1/11

"Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p. 2)

Today begins another year. Lots of resolutions, college football games, reflecting back on the last year.  For this blog a journey with a new author Frederick Buechner.

As I look back on 2010 it seemed like a year that just was.  There was no real highs or lows for me.  There were times that were enjoyable, summer vacation, baptisms at church, my parent's 50th wedding anniversary. I did manage to write this blog consistently. I managed to join a gym and actually go. I haven't lost a lot of weight, but the body composition seems to be changing.

As I consider listening to my life, it sometimes feels like hearing the tide roll in at the shore. Consistent, not all that exciting.  Perhaps what I might try this year is to really see if I can figure out what are the real meanings behind all those moments, the boring and painful ones and the exciting and happy ones.

Perhaps 2011 can be a year when we are all more in touch with what is going on within ourselves and what God may be trying to say.

Blessings,
Ed