"Conversion, the movement toward the Lord, is a process of disenchantment with the ego, recognizing how truly afraid and poor it is. The only way people can ever be freed from their fears is to be freed from themselves. There is almost a complete correlation between the amount of fear in our lives and the amount of attachment we have to ourselves. The person who is beyond fear has given up the need to control or possess. that one says, I am who I am in God's eyes-nothing more, nothing less. I don't need to impress you because I am who I am, and not who you think I am-or who I think I am." (R. Rohr "Radical Grace" p. 117)
Fear walking hand in hand with love of self. I suppose that makes sense when I think about it. If I have convinced myself or have over inflated because of unmerited praise by others, I will probably want to protect that beautiful facade. And when I'm protecting something it is because I am afraid of losing it, or having it be exposed.
I know it is hard to just accept who I am. Mainly because I'm not actually sure of who I am. I know a lot of the pieces, but do not see the whole picture yet. I have yet to figure out who the real Ed is based on all the different parts that show themselves in short bursts.
A good chunk of this could be brought together in two ways. First accept as true St. Paul's line "by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not in vain." And the belief that God loves me in that way, and that love is perfect. And perfect love casts out fear.
The funny thing is I'm not actually afraid in the same way the world is. I don't see the bogeyman behind every corner. I don't view everyone who is not a white straight liberal Christian male, as a threat to my humanity. And yet I do know what my one fear is, and I do know that it too has a direct correlation to my ego. My fear, that I actually don't matter.
And if I can get past that fear, I may be a truly live into my ongoing conversion.
Blessings,
Ed
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