"Inside us all, she said, there was a voice of doubt and disbelief which sought to drown out our prayers even as we were praying them, but we were to pray down that voice for all the we were worth because it was simply the product in us of old hurts, griefs, failures, of all that the wold had done to try to destroy our faith."(F. Buechner "Listening to Your Life" p.42)
This winter has felt very long and weighty to me. I'm sure a good chunk of it has to do with so much snow, and cold. One place where I noticed the greatest effect was on my prayer life. I certainly do not have a perfect prayer life. In many ways it is like going to gym, part of me really doesn't want to, but the other part says get off your rear and go. I feel better when that side wins, because I know I'm getting physically healthier and am not nearly as tired.
The same holds true with prayer for me. I notice that when I let it slide that I start to feel sluggish, that small issues start to loom much larger than they need to be. I start to sense that all that used to be wrong with me, the world, whatever was coming roaring back.
And yet this past week when I really got focused again in my prayer life, those "demons" seem to withdraw. That's not to say that all stress was gone, every problem solved and life was perfect. That is hardly the case. What I found to be true is that I lost a sense of foreboding and I got a lot done that really needed to get done.
I do think that prayer is something that has to fight for its time within us. Life is full of disappointments and stress, and often it is those seemingly unanswered prayers that make us want to put that part of life out to the curb. I only know that in those moments, I have to keep pushing, just like going to the gym. I may not want to but that line of reasoning cannot win the day.
Blessings,
Ed
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