"So many marriages are two people drawn together with unbelievably false expectations of one another and then frequently feeling the other has let them down or has hurt them. Some have no sense of themselves apart from the other. Some couples compete for self-worth at the expense of one another."(R. Rohr "Radical Grace" p. 226)
One of the readings often heard at weddings is I Corinthians 13, "love is patient, love is kind....."
While those are glorious words and have little to do with marriage, they do speak to what can make a marriage, love which is......
There is also the part towards the end, which say, "now I know only in part." I like to highlight that part in my standard wedding homily, because I believe it is important. Most married couples don't know everything about their partner. Overtime we make discoveries, hopefully pleasant ones, though not always.
No matter how good the premarital counseling is, it can be hard to get past the starry eyed love that we enter marriage in. I'm always pleasantly surprised when a couple has an aha moment in premarital that leads them to more open communication. Better to address it before the wedding than be unpleasantly surprised later.
I also believe that in any marriage there will be times when we feel let down or hurt, the question becomes do we nurse that hurt or do we seek reconciliation. A strong marriage knows how to say sorry and mean it.
I also have seen couples where one or both has no sense of self outside of being a couple. That is not good. The two may become "one flesh" but they are still two individuals, with needs, hopes and dreams. And when one is constantly subservient to the other, the unhealthy competition begins.
I would love to see every marriage be "til death do us part." While there is no guarantees, starting with realistic expectations and sense of who we are as individuals and as couple is a great place to start.
Blessings,
Ed
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