"So it's very hard to love and accept ourselves when we are imperfect, messy, broken, angry or sad. Sometimes it's hard to accept one another."(R.Rohr "Radical Grace" p.344)
I just returned from a three day conference with other clergy from around the country. In many ways it was quite affirming. I found that I actually have some inherent leadership skills, that I just don't bother naming and or trumpet. I'm actually doing a reasonably good job leading my current congregation. And being around for a long time in one place can be a gift.
Yet when I went to bed last night, I almost cried myself to sleep. Because I felt like the kid standing outside the window looking in at a party he was never going to get invited to. Inspite of what I said in the first paragraph, I went to bed feeling inferior to these other priests. That I was not in their league. It continues to be an achilles heal for me, that inability to see the strengths that I have, inspite of clearly seeing them in others.
I'm not saying I'm perfect and that there still isn't room for growth. When I stop growing will be the time my heart stops beating.
When I woke up this morning, the melancholy of the previous night was gone. But I still thought about the feeling. What I came to realize is that the only way to get past this will be to go back next year and the year after that. I cannot walk away from this community to which I really do belong. I need to be with them in ways that are authentic to me. Realizing that I too bring something to the table.
Blessings,
Ed
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