"One of the big myths in our culture is that marriage is the answer to one's problems. Instead, I'm told, marriage reveals one's problems. The people who enjoy marriage are those who first have learned to live life itself. You can't create intimacy without identity."(R.Rohr "Radical Grace" p.364)
Part of the job description of being clergy is pre-marital counseling. I certainly have done plenty of these sessions. I even have what is called a pre-marriage inventory, which is basically a multiple choice questionnaire which forms the basis for our conversations the rest of the time. One of the questions is actually, a yes or no and asks, "I am solving some problems by getting married." Even if the answer is yes, that doesn't mean you shouldn't get married, but it means you might want to address the how and the why.
I have also met couples for whom I'm not as certain that they know who they are as individuals and I get a little anxious about their future. That's a lot of work to do, self-discovery, while simultaneously figuring out what it means to be a couple.
The "Unity Candle" which is sometimes used in Episcopal Wedding services, and certainly in Roman Catholic ones, has some interesting theological statements being made. I tell couples who want to have them, that it is okay, but please don't blow the two candles out after lighting the "unity" one. If you blow the two out you are saying, symbolically, I know longer exist.
While all of this is true in marriage, I believe it is true when we enter into any relationship, work, church, college, friendships. How with all my strengths and weaknesses will I fit in here. Is this a relationship where I can flourish, or will I flounder because I don't know me.
When we have a healthy sense of self, we know where we belong and with whom we belong,
Blessings,
Ed
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